Sailing a paper boat into the water was her childhood game. Often, all the children in the little gang had written their secret messages on the paper and had made the boat out of it, and sailed them into the irrigation canal. They used to think their messages will go in the right hands. It was actually their wishes which they wanted to be fulfilled. It was also a fun game. They wanted to see whose boat will sail faster in the water. She did not know what others had written on the paper boats but she knows what she had written on the papers. She left her happy childhood behind somewhere in the countryside of the east. She heard the irrigation canal still there in the industrial town very close to the agriculture university. However, she brought the idea of writing on the paper boat along with her. The idea of writing on the paper boat suddenly came in her mind again when mom told her about a pond in the woods.
As a child, her desires were different. She had everything which a child wished to have it. She never needed to ask anything. She got everything without asking anybody. Her desires were so simple but she even never shared with her best friend, Abu. He always asked from her, “hey cry kid, what you have written today”. She always told him, “Do I look like a stupid to share with you? A wish never gets completed if you share it with someone. Don’t call me a crying kid or whatever, I will tell my mommy and she will beat you with the wooden stick”. Now she thinks, “Our wishes are so funny when we are a child but it keeps changing as we grow”.
She is not sure if the messages written on the paper boat in childhood had anything to do with her life. However, the message written on a paper boat that she sailed in the pond of woods for eight years had gone to the wrong address. Her sailed letters went into the wrong address and read by the wrong person. “Did almighty give my letter to the wrong person? Humans make mistakes, not God though. Maybe I did not write correctly. Maybe it is due to my language problem. But I had written those messages in Hindi which I know how to write it properly. I had not written n Urdu, Punjabi, or English, which I don’t know how to write it properly “.
The person who read her message had used her emotions and love. Then he had let her die alone in misery. Somebody told her, “I am not sure how corrupt he is but he is not a killer. He is a brave man”. Of course, he is a brave man. He is brave enough to ignore someone’s calling for help. He is brave enough to kill somebody’s soul. The killing of somebody is not killing physically. He did not put the hand on her mouth so she could not breathe. She wishes he had killed her body instead of her soul. She had not written on her paper boat to kill her soul. He said, “No, I can not kill you. I cannot even think to harm you. I love you”.
All she had written, “Come to protect me. Abu, Are you coming back to protect me?”. Sometimes, she had written, “My tears are dried up. Nobody tells me anymore, ‘ cry, kid’. I want to cry but I can’t”. sometimes, she had written about her dreams. The dreams she had mentioned many times in her past articles. She had a firm belief that the almighty would make somebody read the voice of her heart. She did have a firm belief that he would come one day to protect her. No, He came but not to protect her. Of course, he had made her cry and given her never ended up tears.
Again, her soul has died but she is alive. She doesn’t write her letter on the paper boat anymore. She does not sail any more paper boats. She asked everybody directly but nobody could help her out. Everybody has some types of fear. Why does she talk about others? The man she loves and trusts is full of fear. The man who supposed to protect her has become a coward. She doesn’t require any love or protection. Even someone offers her, she excuses herself politely, “Sorry, it is too late”.
She is not angry or upset. Yes, she is grieving and may continue to grieve but she has forgiven him from the bottom of her heart. She smiles, “No, I am not upset at God either for sailing my paper boats in the wrong direction. It went to the wrong address because it was my karma and the desire of almighty”.
Sometimes, she jokes when somebody tells her to pray, “I and almighty have a special bond. I don’t pray. I just go to fight with him. I just love blaming almighty for my mistakes. I ask almighty, “anything else left”. I cry today that is also your fault. But I appreciate you being with me even I am mean to you. It is okay to make me cry until you are here to wipe my tears. It is okay to break me until you are here with me to make me strong again. I don’t need anybody else except you”.
Yes, she is getting her strength back. Guess she does not need to go to the temple or mosque or church. She does not need a boat or goes to the post office to mail her messages. She does not have any wishes anymore. She does not have messages anymore. “I am healing. Almighty helping me to heal. I appreciate what he had given me so far. God does ‘whatever and whenever’ is good”.
There are no more secrets but she has become physically secret now. She tells her killers, “Find me if you can. I live right under your nose”. No more paper boats, no more letters, nothing else. All she needs to breathe.