How wisely someone has said,” do not love too deeply until you are not sure the other person loves you with the same depth. Because the depth of your love is the depth of your wound and pain tomorrow.”
Sometimes the wound’s top layer gets healed with time, or the person pretends their soul has healed. Unfortunately, the little reminder of the past can open the wound widely, which causes a great amount of pain. Should the person leave the wound open and remain in pain to avoid such dramatic attacks? The sudden pain causes more damage than ongoing chronic pain. It does not matter if the wound is on your body or in the soul. Evidently, the wounds on your soul damage the person more than on the skin.
How will someone measure the depth of the love to avoid the pain in the future? I wish the wise person also had mentioned the methods to measure the depth of love, and it could be wonderful if they should have mentioned preventional steps to avoid the love before the measurement. Instead of starting to love someone, the person falls in love. It is a connection that always remains intact even though you are no longer with your loved one.
Can the person hide the feeling or pain? Yes, most people do. Many have hidden wounds and carry a unique story, and it’s a related pain; sometimes, they carry the burden of the pain to their graves. Everyone deals with their pain in a different way. Each person tries to reflect the pain differently from others, which is a natural phenomenon because each person is different. Some get depressed, while some take support from the tranquility. Some become vocal, and they talk. To talk, there should be an audience. People like me don’t have someone to talk to; they use words to bring out the pain. Bringing your pain or verbalizing it is not easy. You have to have the guts to do it. But my pain is permanent; it did not go away despite using alcohol, words, or vocalizing. I am not alone in this world, and there are many like me. Maybe that is why the wise person has written the above statement.
My pain has become mine now. I don’t allow my tears to drip on my cheeks anymore. Instead, I tell them to stay inside the eyes or drip inside instead of the outside., I try my best to mask my pain behind the jokes and laughs. I make other people laugh, but I remain sad and empty inside. People laugh at my jokes, but I feel empty. I laugh like a noise coming from an empty drum. While laughing, I ask myself why even I am laughing. I laugh or pretend to be happy because people around me have expected this.
Sometimes I pretend to be happy because I want to avoid criticism. Only God knows how many questions I tolerate. “Why do you still love him? He does not care about you. Let him go now. It has been almost four years now. Some said, “He is not the only man on earth.” some call me insane, stupid, crazy.” Some have advised me to replace him. Some don’t hesitate to say that I am getting old now; instead of waiting for him, I should pray.
Seriously, guys, put on my shoe and walk a few miles. He is not something that I can buy from Macy’s or Nordstrom. Does it matter which century we live in, the love and feeling remain the same. I love his soul, not his body, so it doesn’t matter how far he lives or if he does not care about me anymore. He is not like a fancy dress which I can buy another one. So why should I replace him? What is the fault of another person whom I will replace him with? I won’t be able to give a justification or love to somebody else.
Some say he is a corrupt and bad person. Am I a saint? No, I am not. Everyone has their own demons, and so do I. I fight with them every day. But, good or bad, the reality won’t change that he is the love of my life. I am ready to walk alone again. After he had left, I learned how to sit, stand, and walk again. I am still very clumsy and often get unsteady when someone talks about him. The other day someone said, Sb has a hut on the top of the mountain.” the person didn’t know the story. It is not his hut or his rest house. It is the graveyard of my soul.
People don’t understand the real meaning of it. Sometimes I say being a nomad or homeless. Why do I say so while living in a million-dollar house? He knows why and I do know why. Do I have to explain it to anybody? No, I don’t. It depends on my mood. However, his name came out suddenly yesterday. I felt as if someone had directly punched into my soul. My heart started to pound. There was a shiver in my voice, and tears filled my eyes. I felt my entire body has become numb. My hands were shaky. I felt like running faster than 500mph would calm my nerves. The feeling of melancholy and sadness had covered me completely.
We go to ours when we need someone to support us; in this case, my list is empty. I have one option which not too many people have, or they don’t acknowledge its presence on this planet. The Almighty is my only option who lives inside of my heart. People may have only one, but I have many of them. They always come together or alone to rescue me. My tears shed directly into their feet which tears their hearts too. I go to sleep, and the next day, I wake up with the same, and my life recycles again and ends at the same point every night. I bless everyone, even those who think bad about me. I know nobody can harm me now. I am safe. I have reached the safe zone or paradise after walking a long distance through hell while fighting with the demons and devils.