Author: Sara Altaf Khan

She did not feel comfortable going back to her old job. However, she has needed to start her life somewhere. As a friend advised her,” start with grace.” Everyone knows her estranged soul man at his old work. She was afraid that someone would ask about him, which could break her down again.  Everyone knows him through her. All her colleagues often asked about him by his name in the past. Once, everybody had called them a perfect couple, which has made for each other by Almighty.

She had left for work praying to God,” give me a strength to work. My life is gone, but at least I can help others”. She drove on this particular road after a long time. Many memories are on this road, such as driving and walking with him in the school. Good Shepherd Lutheran Church is on her way to work. She knows this church very well. Someone always posts Jesus’s teaching written on the cardboard at the church land. Somebody change those teachings every week. She remembers that she had told the father that those postings were misaligned, which had conveyed the wrong message. She could not find the father, but she left the note for him to align the assignment correctly. Now, she smiled as she read the teaching of Jesus.” you are loved. The son of God loves you. God loves you. The good spirit loves you”.

She had stopped at the local country cafe, where she often bought the coffee. Her bubby always used to with her on the phone when she had ordered the coffee in the past. He knew well what kind of coffee she likes to order. She often told tell him,” let me order my coffee. Please don’t talk for a couple of minutes”. Sometimes it was hard for him to stop. On her way to work, she had stopped at the same cafe, but she was quiet. She felt happiness in the eyes of the cafe lady as she reached the window to get her coffee. The cafe lady asked while showing her beautiful smile,” where were you? I often think about you. I thought that you started to buy coffee at DD”.  She has bought coffee from this cafe for the past many years. Neither she asked the name of the cafe woman, nor the cafe woman asked her. But, they knew each other by face. She thoughts, “This cafe lady had been missing her absence. Does my estranged soul man miss me too?” She received the call from her mentor boss before she reached at work,” Be strong. Just ignore the gossip or any comment. Drive carefully. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Hydrate yourself. Take it easy. I am just a  phone call away from you”.  She told him while smiled, “okay, father. Any other advice”.Her mentor boss continued to tell her, “Oh, I forget to tell you that don’t try to throw the printer in the garbage again. Restart it or call unit sec to fix if it jammed”. After she dropped the call, she felt that a father teaches her daughter what to do when she attends the school on the first day at the pre-school.

She has parked her car as usual, where she should not park, which is not something new. This is her favorite spot to park it. In the past, she even told the police officer, “Can you move your car somewhere else. I need to leave in the middle of the night, and you won’t be here to help me. Look at our hospital security. Do you think they can help me? No, they don’t, so you better park your vehicle somewhere else”.

This is the time when she often fought with him in the past. Her bubby wanted to talk with her more. He wanted to see her for another couple of minutes. She always told him, “I am getting late”. But no, he never listened to her all. She often told him, “Okay, I will do the video call with you while walking”. She thoughts in her mind,” where are you, today? Where have you gone now? Why have you left your Munna alone?  You should walk with me today. You are my strength. Don’t you think that I am also your responsibility? I wish that you should walk with me today. I want you to should hold my finger to help me cross the main lobby”. Then, it came to her mind that he has gone forever. She should learn how to walk alone. She stood a couple of minutes to bring her strength and spirit together because she felt her mind was getting heavy.

She broke down hysterically in this place in the past  Her colleague held her while tried taking her to the room. But she had stood in the middle of the ED, “No, my bubby is in trouble. I need to rescue him. I can’t live without him. I cannot breathe without him”. She was continued to scream. Many had cried when she was screaming. Everybody thought something terrible happened to him. Nobody believed that the man just walked out of her life in a few hours to punish her because she did disclosure everything in the family. Everyone used to think that nobody could separate them. She always called him ‘My bravo’ how her bravo man could leave her to die in this situation.

Neither he nor anybody else wanted to know in which circumstances she had open her mouth. She had continued to lose her mind while others started to pull her string. A brave woman has started to become such a sick person day by day. She lost control over everything, and people used her emotions and weakness for their gain. But, she continued to look for him. She went everywhere to find him, but all the doors were shut directly on her face. The woman who lived with grace and self-esteem has become a beggar and mentally ill.  Her courage has made her return to her previous place today. There is nobody to clean her tears, and she doesn’t need anybody to wipe her tears.

The old security guard saw her through the window and came out, “welcome back. I am glad to see you. I will be retiring in the next two days. I am so happy meeting you again before I leave this place forever”. She just said, “thank you.”

Everybody came together and clapped together as she reached at the nursing station, “welcome back.” Many have given her hugs. She felt love and affection. She was able to control her tears. She was able to bring a fake smile, but her heart was overwhelmed. She could not figure it out if it is overwhelmed by the love of her colleagues or old memories were trying to make her weak.

She had to support her neck with a collar many times during her long shift. One of the nurses did not mind fixing her collar. She smiled, “yes, I have to wear the collar on until I fix this problem with surgery. My boss wishes to put the leash on my collar, but he cannot succeed”. Everybody has laughed at her sense of humor. Inside she was burning with the pain. Her tears wanted to come out of her eyes. She told them,” I need to face it, so be quiet, stay inside of me. Don’t you dare come out until I command you?

In the end, she felt that everybody has cared about her. Everybody has done their best to make her first day easygoing. She thoughts, “They are not mine. I did not have any hopes or desires from them. However, they have proven themselves better than the man whom she loves”. Yes, she cried for one hour while driving back to her home.

She felt, “I am being loved by everyone.”

However, she continues to miss the love of a specific person. The person is her strength and motivation. She thoughts, “I don’t need the love of the entire universe. I just need him to survive and kill my demons”.

The nomadic people wander from one place to another place. They don’t have a permanent house. They don’t settle in one place. They accept the entire world is their home. The nomads are the cruisers who are very motivational and creative. They don’t take life seriously. Some are born in a nomadic tribe, while others have adopted this lifestyle. The people who embrace the nomadic lifestyle want to avoid any attachment. Often career and relationship are the critical components which make them adopt the nomadic life. They are not bound with one religion or faith. They are quite exciting, brilliant, and knowledgeable people. They are very respectful and smiley people.

She has adopted the nomadic life. No, she was not born to be wandering. She wanted to have a stable and healthy life. However, her fate has taken her in a different direction. She smiles and says, “my nomadic life is a gift from my loving man, so I have happily accepted it. It is not easy but has given up all the options”.

The nomadic life has been given to her as speaking the truth. It is her reward for him. This life is gifted to her due to her unique and true feelings for him. Not like another nomad, she does have a limitation. She has marked her boundaries geographically and psychologically, which she does not want to cross. She is afraid to cross those boundaries. Both boundaries protect her mental state, as well. She smiles, but her soul cries. This differentiates her from other nomadic people. Her geographical boundaries start from her home and end at the border of her state except for one side of the State. One side of the boundary has extended to the wood cottage at Wisconsin.

The Kashmiri nomadic wander on the top of mountains along with their herd and few family or friends from one place to another. She wanders in nature, from one town to another town. She returns to her primary residence only when she needs new pairs of clothes. Her loving man whom she always calls hubby bubby, has given this modern nomadic life to him. This modern nomad doesn’t have a herd of sheep or goats. This nomad provides healthcare services in a state of art emergency room and trauma level -1. She drives instead of walking like a nomadic on the mountain. She won’t mind walking, but she can’t walk for long-distance due to her injuries.

This is her reward for her speaking the truth. Neither his family nor her family has appreciated for speaking the truth. Not many people dare to talk about the fact, and not many people dare to listen to the truth. Sometimes, the truth hurt more when it exposes the reality.

She has become quieter since she has chosen this lifestyle.  She often talked with him endlessly. She loves talking, but slowly she is also getting mute. Her old emotions are dying but some replaced with some new feelings. The voice has turned to the words now. Only a few people know how she is getting mute. All her concentration is reserves for taking care of her patients. Often, she thinks, “Abu may think now why she was never quiet when he was alive. why now.”She cruises and circles between the wood cottage, Hampton, Holiday in, and her house. She is not looking for creativity. She looks for old memories which provide some peace to her restless soul. Once her soul had climbed the mountains and ocean to find another part of her soul. She was so peaceful after meeting her another part of the soul. Now, the second part of the soul has abandoned her, thus she often becomes restless.

She leaves the house to wander to find the lost soul as a nomad. Now, her restless soul refuses to fly or climb the mountain because the world is not safe out there. She often thinks, “No, I will not let my soul fly anymore. Who do you trust to protect your soul if a brilliant law enforcer could not protect it? My soul has shattered, which makes me more vulnerable. I won’t let it out anymore. I have made my soul prisoner in my broken heart”.

The nomadic life has many benefits and disadvantages, which depends on why you have become a nomad. For her, it seems all beneficial to her currently. It keeps her out of trouble. Driving around the countryside and listening to music, remembering him, and crying loud out of her soul is a terrific experience. She feels closer to Almighty now. This lifestyle allows her spending more time talking to the mighty than humans. It makes her stronger when she speaks to the humankind. Well, she interacts with the people at her work only. Nomadic life teaches her many logics, which she applies in her real life. She is a born full of empathy but the nomadic life overloading her with more understanding empathy. She has noticed it. Sometimes, she feels lucky about being a healthcare professional. It allows flexibility for her new lifestyle. She works only 120 hrs, which is only ten days a month. It creates a sense of self-dignity instead of being dependent on anybody. It helps her to afford both her medical expenses and nomadic life.

Life is a game-changer power.  Life won’t go like we think which always changes our lifestyle and dynamic of our life. It is also true that the change in her life continues to hurt. Nobody likes the change, but it eases up as we start to adapt to the change. Life is logic but not the behavior of people. Sometimes, we learn the hard way. The living is a challenge. People succeed who accept the challenge. She wonders if it is the reason for her survival because she challenges the problem willingly or not willingly.

Almighty always sends help in any form. Almighty makes its way to reach you if you had prayer with a pure spirit. Her estranged brother lives another side of the LOC. She often thinks about him. The Brother came suddenly and had done his duties and disappeared again. He came along with many strangers but helped her without demanding anything. He had shown a new path to her. He was in so hurry to leave after saving somebody. Why was he in such a hurry? He may have many other things to do.
She doesn’t know his real name, which she never tried asking either. The relationship was more important than his name. His nickname was the same similar to her Abu’s name.
She is not sure if co-incidentally or attentionally, Almighty had chosen somebody with a similar name like Abu.
She always remembers the people or their faces who came into her life. She was so happy to meet her brother. She always had a desire of having a brother. It is a beautiful relationship. She wanted to feel those feelings that all her friends have felt having a brother in their lives. She also wished for fighting with her Brother. She also thought that his Brother would guide her whenever needed. She won’t mind that her Brother gets angry at her if she does something wrong.

The almighty had given her a short time to have this beautiful relationship. when he came into her life, she was already out of her mind. She was not making any sense when he knocked at her door. Their thoughts were different. Their faiths were different. She loves the man, but her brother hated her loving man. She believes in living, but Brother believed in killing. He believes in Allah and she believed in humanity. She often fought with him. She learned many things from him. The Brother lives on another side of the loc who had proven himself best than others.
Brother and sister both did not like certain things about each other. She did not like her brother for not loving her country. He did not want her to love the people who had left her alone to die. She is an open-minded person. But her brother’s opinions were more traditional Islamic.
Her brother has a real biological sister. He is a father of twin children. She was delighted to know how much her brother loves his little daughter.
He was real or fake, but at least the almighty had given a relationship that she had always missed in her life. Now, he does not recognize her at all. She loves having a brother like him again. She needed him to finish whatever she was not able to do it by herself. So, she had spoken against him, but the brother had walked away from her life. She often thinks now, “why my Brother has not killed me? Had he done the job being her brother to protect her from her demons?”
Today, she blesses him. She wants to convey to him a message, “the short time is not important, but the quality is important. The value of a relationship is important to me. Thanks for bringing the reality in front of me. Thanks for saving someone who did not deserve to be saved. I apologize if I could not able to become your good sister. I didn’t use to have all these relationships. Nobody could win fate. He is good or bad, but he is the love of my life. I hope you understand that. God bless you and your family.”

She has stopped taking daydreams even they are tax-free. However, without her permission, the nightmares continue to chase her.
The venue and house are familiar. The man sits in front of her is very well-known to her. He often looks toward her while searching for something on the phone. There is deadly quietness between them. She is scared but not from him. She is worried because of the quietness and sadness of the environment. An awful sadness is around her. She opens the door to see outside, but he stops her, “outside is not safe.” He gets up from his place to close the door again. He pushes her toward the corner before he sits back on his chair again.
She looks around the room. Everything looks familiar. Where are all people gone? Why is she alone with him? Why has she back in this hell zone? Many questions come into her mind. A strange fear shivers her mind. The surrounding is worse than an apocalyptic. She looks at him and thinks in her mind,” what I can expect from this bravo? I need to go alone to look out why all the people have disappeared. Why everything appears so strange? Why there is fear everywhere?”.
She looks at him again. He sits quietly now. He holds his chin with his hand while his elbow rests on the thigh. She thinks back, “Can he at least change his position? Do I need to protect him too?”
Suddenly, she runs to open the door. She runs outside the door before he catches her. She thinks, “Oh, I am still a good runner. Daily running with Binu in childhood was not worthless”.
She starts looking everywhere. The streets are familiar but all empty. She walks around the empty streets. Sadness is everywhere but all humans are gone. She looks up at the sky, which makes her scarier. The sky is red instead of blue. She feels that the sky is very angry. The earth is oddly quiet. Something is not right somewhere.
She walks toward the airport so that she can return to her safe zone. The airport is also empty. There is no sign of people. She thinks,” why I have left alone with him?”
She has been running around to find the humans all day long. But the earth is empty. There is no sign of humans. She gets tired of finding for humans. She laughs, “I should get some rest. I have spent all my life searching humanity and avoiding so call called humans. Now, I am searching for them”.
She has no idea when she had gone to sleep on the airport floor. She remembers that she needs to learn how to fly the plane so that she can go back to her safe zone. Suddenly, someone grabs her sheet. She looks at Ina and smiles,” Hey, when have you come, boy?” Ina smiles without speaking a word and points her to somebody. She sees her loving man sleeping next to her. She covers him with a sheet. “it is cold here.” The man still sleeps and snores. She thinks, “How he can sleep, ignoring all this.”
Suddenly, she hears loud noises. Many scary faces appear from nowhere who trying to hurt the man and the boy. She hides the boy behind her while trying to wake up the man. It is hard to awake him today. She thinks, “something is wrong somewhere. He wakes up with a little movement or sound. Why is he not waking up? She tried to shake his shoulders and hit it on his chest, but he does not move at all. The scary people are getting closer. Ina grabs her from the arm,” He is dead, mommy. Let’s go. we need to go now”. She does not want to leave him. But Ina tells her, “he will automatically join us at the safe house. He might be already sitting by Banny”.
Ina has shaken her so severely that she wakes up screaming and has found herself sleeping on her bed in the safe zone. She looks at her Babaji,” Babaji, Babaji, please keep him safe. Keep him happy. He is not stronger, like me. He is my weak bubby. I am so strong to tolerate pain and fear on behalf of both. Give my happiness to him”.

Life sucks. People salute to the rising star. Life is also a game-changer. Reality comes directly on your face when you are in trouble. Everybody comes to share your happiness. Only a few people will stand by you if you are in trouble. Yes, people come to shed crocodile tears when someone body dies or gets sick. Not many people walk around with the spirit of empathy. Ignore those types of people because you don’t deserve such kind of people in your life. They are toxic to your health.
Power plays a vital role in attracting or dis-attract others. My mother had gone to the almighty a long time ago. I left my mother when I moved to the USA and never looked backward. We never shared our happiness but was always there for each other when we went through any trouble. I had helped her while sitting in the USA. She would have sent the rescue party if I were in the crisis. Mother was a straightforward woman who said many things bluntly, which many people did not like it. I am blunt but different than her. My healthcare professional has taught me how to be empathic and sympathetic. My silly talking behavior has been changed little while working in the healthcare field.
Mother used to say that you need two things to live in this part of the world: Money and power. I was not agreed with her. My personal experience has told me that she was right. She was right on another topic, too, which I don’t particularly appreciate writing on the blog because I don’t like to get the label of being racist for her words. In the USA, money, and power don’t have such value. Here people don’t compare with their neighbors. Therefore, I am lucky living in this country. I could be killed more than twenty times if I were living in my country now. Speaking truth is not allowed for certain people.
In my battle, I have noticed that people are afraid of power. You can buy power with money. I refuse to part of it. Can you buy love with money? No, I will stay out of this type of business deal.
Thanks to God, I had met those people virtually only. Not to mention, I have got a lot of silent treatment. Many people have blocked my access to them. Or I have made them block me. I even try telling the people, “you can block me now.” Some have given me a diplomatic answer, ‘why would I.’ afterward, I have gotten a silent treatment from those educated people. Power has won against the silly woman’s emotions. Why would somebody suffer for the lone woman? I was not anybody’s daughter and sister. Mother was right again, “Money won’t protect you here. It is better leaving this place forever. I can give you anything which could be bought with the money without you will even ask me. I won’t be able to give you a father or brother”. Writing this line now, my tears are dripping on out of my eyes like an ocean. My emotions are overwhelmed. I feel my breath is trapped inside of me. However, her statement is very realistic, which I accept it after I have faced reality.
There are many reasons why people avoid others. I have not read any literature to describe it. I could be wrong in defining why people avoid others. I am describing it due to my own experience. So, my definition could be different than yours. People avoiding others:
They like to avoid the conflict
They are so weak to fight for reality.
They afraid to face the truth
Why we need to come in the middle of other’s fight
They are coward to face the consequences
They think others stupid, so why we waste our time.
What we will get out of it. Stay away if nothing
They are soulless and don’t have humanity, and how they could have empathy for others.
They afraid of the power
However, there is one superior power. They are not scared of that power now. People realize the power of mighty only when something happens to them. The scientific era doesn’t let people believe in afterlife consequences. Why do we need to worry about the future?
Let’s see after reading my article, how many people will send me a secret message. How many more block me. I am silly, but my experience has made me understand others. I don’t get sad or depressed or not get annoying if somebody does not like me. I take it very easily because I am brave enough to face the nine reasons for avoidance. However, I have become weak enough to lose the love of life, which has created all those issues. So, I don’t blame anybody. It is not their fault. They are doing what they are taught, and they have learned.
Wiseman said, “Things always have a way of working out. Never underestimate the power of prayers, faith, and love”.

The confusion and emotions have overwhelmed because something has happened. It can have occurred due to a long hrs working shift, which aggravated her condition. She has felt some headache as she left the work. Both boys run toward her as she entered the house.

Ina asks her, “why have you come so late?”
She walks directly upstairs, and both boys start to follow her. Banny asks, “why are you so quiet? Why are you not smiling?”
Ina said, “does everything okay at your work? Have you cried again”?
She is quiet. Her head hurt so badly, but she feels emotionally so numb. This is why she ignores the boys. She takes the package out of her purse and tries to keep inside the locker. Suddenly, the folder drops on the floor when Banny had jumped to get her attention. Both boys start looking at the documents before she says something to them.
Ina sighs, “oh, it makes sense now why are you quiet. This is the reason that you were trying to reach someone”.
Tears wells into her eyes. She says sadly, “it doesn’t matter anymore. It is not necessary anymore. We will burn everything in bonfire tomorrow”.
Banny asks again, “you still have not told us why you have come late.”
She ignores the questions. She goes to bed directly after changing her clothes. She doesn’t want to watch TV or drink anything. She is quiet than her usual normal.
In the morning time, she was so happy, but her sadness has returned as the day was progressed. She has pleased meeting with her old co-workers. Many could not resist their happiness, so they ran to hug her. Many have grabbed her phone to enter their contact number in case she needs any help. Later, she deleted all the numbers. “I don’t like calling anybody. I don’t want to disturb anybody”.
She has met her new boss for the first time. She has never seen this person before. Maybe he came here due to out of the state transfer, which she doesn’t care at all. The new boss is from her native country. After talking about professional life, he asked about her children and husband. She just smiled, “children have gone for good”

She could not say that the soul husband has become estranged and weak. He has forgotten her, but she did not. She still has the same passion and compassion for him. She still thinks that he is first and last. She could not say, ‘any of your business’. He loves what he sees but not what he feels.
She has told her boss politely,” He lives in India. He loves his uniform. no, I do not have any plan to go back soon, so don’t worry about my schedule problem. I will visit some friends and family but not at this time now”.

She shuts off the light. It is dark inside the room now. She closes her eyes and thinks,” sometimes I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. I can’t trust anybody because of him. I have become paranoid that someone will break my emotions again. This fear keeps me away from everyone. I do try my best but suddenly it comes into my brain. I will quiet again. I want to go back to the same world where I was before meeting him.
The world before and during his presence has been ended now. She lives in a strange world now. He has taken everything away when he left. Now, my soul is empty and confused. My world is empty. My brain is full of questions and curiosity”.

She fails to understand why people use others’ emotions. Why people leave someone to die alone in the pain. She fails to understand why someone allows drowning others for their selfish behavior. They just watch how a person suffers before drowning to death.

Her eyes are getting heavy now. She tells the boys, “we need to make ourselves stronger. We already know how to live alone. We need to know how to survive.
Now, we need to learn how to stop someone to invade this empty world. We will live longer and happily We will not care whatsoever happening out there. Let’s make a promise with an Almighty about it because we will be needing his blessings to keep our promise. There will be a bonfire in the morning. It doesn’t matter if snow or what. Please, remind me if I forget about the bonfire.

She tries to close her eyes but Ina asks, “you still have not told us why you were late to come home?”

She smiles and tells the boys, “silly me, I was so lost remembering him and lost my way home, so I have to detour which was longer”.

Both boys say,” seriously mom, how long you live in this place and how many years you are driving on the same road. How could you forget”

She smiles again, “yes, I had walked with your father on the same road. I have driven the car along with your father on the same road. I can remember him but often I forget everything else because I am busy remembering him. I will write to him”.

Three of them were gone to sleep while talking to each other.

Photo by Ekrulila on Pexels.com

Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

Of course, everybody is worry about tomorrow. Nobody has seen the tomorrow yet because it always turns into today when we get the opportunity to investigate tomorrow. At the end of the day, today also turns into yesterday. The continuation of today, yesterday, and tomorrow progress to a day before yesterday or a day after tomorrow. Time never waits, it continues with its steady pace. We get slow down, but the time never gets rest. Wonder if the time ever takes 10 or minutes coffee breaks or 30 minutes lunch break. This is the time when the folder continues to get enlarger because we don’t pay attention.
Why we don’t pay attention to certain things? Of course, the answer is very simple. We don’t have the importance of certain things in our lives today. But they were so valuable in yesterday and can be more valuable tomorrow. The value of certain things changes frequently. For example, the value of currency continues to change. However, there are also certain things that are unchangeable and untraceable.
The value of those things remains the same. No time clock can change the value of those important things, but sometimes, we cannot see the right price at the right time. The folder can be changed periodically, but time cannot change the value of certain things. Don’t stress out due to the folder or the time, or the value of things.

Certain importance things are priceless, but time play a significant role. After a certain time, the folder and important things always lost forever. Then we don’t have a choice to bring anything back. It becomes ‘too late’ kind of thing when the time and important things are gone. We realize our mistake but the clock laughs at us, “Too Late”. Too late can defeat us because we can’t do anything to prove ourselves right when it is already too late.
We can easily ignore the timings because we are so reluctant to realize our mistakes. We are afraid to face the truth, but the reality is totally different.
Not complicated to understand, this is also depending on the time and priceless thing. The time has value so as the important things or the folder.