Can you believe it? It has been three years now since you have gone to live with the almighty. But I miss you every day, my beloved fur boy. I remember the first time you came to live in my house. You were a little pup and didn’t even know how to bark. You were chubby but very adorable. I was a clean freak woman before you came to live with me. But, you changed my habit.
I looked at your bright eyes. However, I had felt sadness inside your heart through the brightness of your eyes. You also may have felt my pain through my eyes. It was painful to hear that your human parents and biological parents died in the wildfire. You were the only survivor. Did you survive to keep me happy? I think so, too.
I remember how sad you were lying down alone under the apple tree. I called you inside, but you ignored me. I had to push your big buttocks to bring you inside the house. Within four weeks, you had started to chase me everywhere. You took control over my room, bed, and finally me. You won everybody’s heart with your love. Not only me, but everybody else also misses you.
Banny, do you remember when I slipped on a wet rag and sustained a head injury? The doctor had to put 18 staples on my head to close the wound. The kids still blame you for that, “mom, you did not say anything to Banny despite him breaking your head in two pieces.” That day when I was regaining consciousness, I was gone to my childhood. Do you remember I woke up screaming, “Mountains, snow, green trees, and finally my valley?” Everybody thought that I was confused. In reality, I was regaining those buried memories inside of me due to the stress and slipperiness of my life.
I have changed dramatically. I am not a great mother anymore. Now, people often call me a selfish woman. But none of them ever thinks about what had happened and why I am changed. I don’t want to give anybody clarification either. I live alone in the crowd. But, surprisingly, I never feel alone. I have you, Inna, and Almighty. So, how can I feel alone?
Once I was a great mother, and now I am a careless mother. I don’t have anything to lose, so I have become fearless. Don’t blame the kids. They tried their best to keep up with me, but I have failed them. Nobody cares about the person who failed me. I also stopped caring for myself, so how can I blame others?
Banny, You brought a lot of happiness to my life. But that happiness started to go away exactly one month after your death. Sometimes, I think that the Almighty had given control of my happiness to you. I wish you were still alive so I would have remained happy today. Does it mean my happiness was attached to your life cycle? Doesn’t it look strange and weird to you?
I smile now. I love talking to others which is surprising. Unfortunately, I am stuck in Chakravyuh. I refuse to come out of it because I fear that my loved ones will betray me again.
Do you remember what my bubby used to say? Everything was a lie. Banny, you were a witness to my love for him. This world is very mean, and people are very selfish. I am also one of them now. Over time, I have learned how to hide the tears behind my beautiful smile. Everybody loves my beautiful smile. So I decided to always smile. My tears have become my own, so I never allow the tears to be shed in front of others.
Don’t you think that you have a brave mom? Life goes on, but memories always remain fresh. I neither dare to replace you, nor I dare to replace him. so I have decided to change myself.
Sometimes I think that my nightmares were true. I doubt that my mother was right, but my bubby did not let her fail. I am not sure if I am still in shock and numb. But I don’t feel anything. Honestly, I could not forget both of you. There are no single moments when I do not remember you and him.
Often, I counted down to when I will be meeting him. But now, I’m counting in a different direction. I don’t care what the rest of the world says. You are the sole witness of my love for him. However, I don’t understand how someone can leave the person to die alone, especially someone he had made many promises to. Am I the only one to keep the promises? If so, I am keeping it, and I will continue to keep it until my last breath. He has forgotten, but I will keep it alive on behalf of both of us.
I hate it when everybody blames you for my sadness or pain. But they also give credit to you for my happiness. You were a very caring boy. Nobody cares about your mom as you had. But I don’t blame anybody else. Often, people told my mother that her daughter was different. They were right because I am different. I still love those people who harmed me, bullied me, and left me alone to die. I am dying every day. But still, I couldn’t hate them.
Banny, my soul, was killed brutally, but my heart still beats. Without a soul, the body is useless. I am eagerly waiting to join you and Inayat. I promise we will play together again. Thank you to both of you. You both often come into my dreams. I don’t feel alone in your presence.
Banny, who is Hachi now? Am I Hachi now? Similar to Hachi dog, I am also waiting for my loved one. I can not go backward or forward. As usual, I have decided to stay in the middle. Maybe one day I will meet my loved ones. Thus, I am yours and his Hachi now.