She looks at the hotel room walls carefully, and then she stares at the roof and both windows. Nothing is the same. The color of the walls is white, and there is no portrait of Banny or his. The curtains on both windows are down. Nobody can see inside, and she can not see anybody outside the window. The fridge is empty except for a few bottles of water and Gatorades. While sitting on the sofa, she continues to stare at the room. There is a TV in the coroner which she has not turned on yet. No, she is in no mood to watch cry movies or listen to the depressive news. Her own life is no less than a drama or Bollywood movies. No, she never comes out of the room until she needs to go to work. She doesn’t like to open the curtains either. She looks around again. She stares at the coffee maker. She got up from the chair and hid the coffeemaker inside the cabinet because he loved making coffee for her.
She loves living in a hotel during her nomadic life. Sometimes to reach here, she drives her car at100 mph while the speed limit is 70, or you can also find her driving 45 miles on 70 miles speed limit road. You won’t be surprised if you find her driving to a different state to arrive at her original state destination. Only her car knows the situation of the driver, but the car is speechless. Well, she once loved her home. But now home is not home anymore.
Her favorite light coffee ground color on the walls of her house reminds her of the color of her beloved one. Each corner of the house is imprinted with his prints. She finds him in the closet, on the bed, and sitting on the bar chair in the kitchen. Sometimes she finds him sitting on the matrix watching TV while Banny tries to sit next to him. Sometimes he sits in the formal room, and Banny chases him to sit next to him, tells him, “I am the boy of the house.” both may have done much planning to kill each other because both of them were possessive to the lady. Now both have left her behind. The memories are still there, but sometimes she tries to run away from the memories, and sometimes she embraces those painful and happy memories.
Well, once, she hated to stay in the hotel alone. She remembers how she used to leave the town after attending the company meeting, even though her room was already reserved in the hotel. She never stayed overnight in the hotel alone. Instead, she often drove back home while talking to him on the phone. She chose to talk to him instead of playing games with her coworkers. He always told her, Munna, I am proud of you”. Now he hates the same Munna. Why would she stay at home when it is not home anymore? She hated to stay in the hotel in the past, but now everything has changed. Sometimes she could not make it on the last flight to her final destination. She hated to stay alone without him. She smiles while remembering how she cried like a little child sitting alone in the airport. He could not tolerate the tears in her eyes. He left everything behind to be with her. No, he never allowed anybody to pick her up or drop her at the airport. He always made his way to meet her.
Well, she still looks at the phone every morning, but there is no message from all his different phones, “Munna, good morning. I love you, Munna.”
Neither she nor he had gone to sleep without talking to each other. In other words, their day always started and ended with each other. They often talked for many hours in a day, but they still did not feel satisfied, and they wanted to talk more. There are no longer 7 or 3 clock calls anymore. He forgot her and everything, but she could not do it. She still writes him a message every day. She often thinks, “How it is possible to forget someone in few hours, especially with whom you had spent some life and quality of time together.”
She loved everything which belongs to him, or he touched it, but now sometimes she gets sad to see those things and tries to hide them, but the next day, she finds them again and takes care of them. No, she does not love those worldly things, but she loved them because he got them for her. He bought those things for her. She feels his love and affection in that materialism. Suddenly, some things come into her mind; she laughs, which is empty. She gets scared from her laughing because it is empty.
The emptiness is scarier compared to the bomb blast. Only she can feel fear and sadness when she feels an emptiness in her soul, smiles, and heart. However, she learned how to survive even if it is painful. Who is responsible for her pain? She is responsible because she dropped the ball speaking the truth. He failed to catch the ball when it was dropped into his court, and he allowed others to play with the ball instead of protecting it. Nobody tried to bring the ball into the right court. Thus including her, many others are responsible for this. However, he is more responsible for her pain than everyone else. The human is the culprit of another human, and the woman is the enemy of other women. If women cannot understand the pain of other women then who the hell would provide justice.
She is waiting for her brother’s call, which doubts it will never come because he is also afraid of him. Suddenly she thinks, where is my brother? She will never see her brother again. She has left everything behind and has no desire to get anything else. She feels exhausted and completely drained out. She does not have answers to many questions, and she doesn’t feel like getting those answers. He is gone but still here. Life plays some strange jokes with humans. Humans become just puppets of karma or life. Sometimes, sadness embraces her soul deeply that covers both her mind and heart.
She prays to both her Babaji and Allah, “nothing left in me. My soul is drained out, which feels very cold and dead. Both my mind and heart are fireless. The fire needs to ignite, which I don’t have. There is nothing left in me which you need to protect or save. Please help someone else who is more in need of your help.” The next morning, she wakes and asks almighty, “Sorry for the last night. Please help me to get through this day. I need your help. Can you be kind enough to hold my finger so I can get through this long day?” her life ends and starts at the same point every day. she always finds a way to help herself while trying to help others. Neither she nor the almighty knows why she still breathes.
But both know her home is not home anymore. Her soul and mind are empty.