About A Week Long Thoughts

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The elderly nurse injected a second dose of the vaccine into her right shoulder and said enthusiastically, “You’re immune now.”

She came out smiling and thought, “My body is immune now but not my dreadful life—what a biggest joke of the century. The nurse doesn’t know about it. I wish the nurse were also a spiritual healer who could have the ability to heal a broken soul. How is it possible to protect the body without protecting the soul? Doesn’t the human body involve both body and soul?”

With her mind, her thoughts often go astray. She often fails to bring her brain and heart to the same level. Her brain often sends her a specific message that the love of her life is a cowardly person. She should listen to other people who always advise her, “He doesn’t deserve you.” Whenever she remembers this, she often gets confused, “These are the same people who often told me that you both deserve each other. God has made you for each other. You’re the perfect couple.” She’s not sure if people were right then or now.

She often thinks, “Once, they lived in each other’s hearts and heads. They knew what was in the other person’s mind. Now they do not know where they are, how much pain they have, or how happy they are without each other. It feels so strange to feel that your loved one has become so much a stranger. Once, he was closer to your heart than your heartbeat. No, she did not die without him, but she has just stopped living.

Often, she thinks something is wrong somewhere. She is happy that he has moved on in life. However, she is still waiting for him, where he had told her, “We’ll be together soon.” As time goes on, her faith in human beings and God is vanishing. She doesn’t know why people still love or care about her. However, she keeps running away from them. If someone shows empathy or sympathy, she always finds a way to create hatred for herself so that they can leave her.

It’s been two years. She often thinks, “Why do I still think about him? Why do I still feel his presence around me? Why am I still mourning? Did he come into my life to kill me, or did he come to give me a purpose in life? Knowing the truth, why couldn’t I hate him?”

After knowing the bitter truth, why is she still waiting for him? Undoubtedly, she still loves him very much, even physically meeting each other had ended a long time ago, but souls are still attached. Now, she hopes, “Maybe one day his inner eyes will open. He will show real bravery. Sitting in the office and making policies will not make you a brave person. Brave people never hide, and they face the battle which they have started. The man doesn’t become a man to satisfy the woman on the bed. The man only becomes a man when he keeps his words and promises.

Of course, lies and politics had conquered love and truth. During her mental breakdown, the people who had seen her never thought she would get out of this situation. Everyone was wondering if she would live in a psychiatric facility or commit suicide. However, she defeated death again. Her soul has broken into many pieces, but she is still brave enough to handle her bad days. On her bad days, she still looks for him. She screams and then hides in the closet. In her good days, she dedicates herself to her work. Her professional life continues to rise, but her personal life is completely dead. Often, she receives letters from the patients or their relatives about her dedication and kindness. Those letters make her smile, but she feels how empty her smile is. How empty is her soul? Often, she is frightened when she sees a laughing empty soul. She is confused about whether she should be happy or cry about losing her life. She regrets when she insults some great souls in her bad days. Her pure soul has broken into many pieces. No, she doesn’t feel anymore that someone would love her some day. Everything had gone along with him.

Her emotions always try to control her heart and brain. She becomes sad when she realizes that someone stabbed in the heart and tried to get her crushed soul out of her.
Unfortunately, she could not share her feelings with any specific person because she has no faith. Instead, she decided to share it with a strange audience or readers. She trusts them because they don’t know her, so it will be impossible for them to judge her. Even if they make any judgment, it will not hurt her. It hurts a lot when a loved one makes an eerie judgment against you. Readers and viewers can only advise her through negative and positive comments. She always learns something from those comments. Sometimes, she runs away for a few days. Her mind is full of questions, and she is struggling to get answers. She knows well, “Sometimes nobody else has an answer to your questions except yourself. We should try a little harder to get the answer, which is a similar thing an achiever does everything to achieve his or her achievement”.

People always advise each other to forget the past and try to live in the present, so they don’t need to think about the future. In reality, our past lives with us until we die, and the past does influence our present, and both the past and the present build our future. Except for the lawyers who charge you hourly, people love giving each other free advice, a natural phenomenon. It is very easy to give somebody else advice, but it becomes complicated when the situation comes to them, and then they struggle to use the same advice.

First, she used to tell him about her feelings. Then the condition changed a little bit because he had become deaf. Thus, she started to write him emails, but it came to know that he had also become blind, so cannot read her writings anymore. Later, she heard he had also become mute. Sometimes we could communicate with our facial expressions or sign language, which was not possible because of the distance. Finally, she found out his soul had died. She used to live in his soul; if his soul was dead, how she could have lived.

A person who hides their feelings is a more dangerous person than the person who verbalizes their feelings with a different communication modes. A depressed person who made a feeble suicide attempt indirectly looks for help. Her life has become aimless since her loved one went into a coma. So, she has created some new hobbies while waiting for him to come out of a coma. She does email or texts him every day because of her firm belief that he will wake up to read it and respond to her one day. Nobody is born to be bad; however, unwanted events/accidents, meaningless rules of this society, and selfish people could make you do bad things. Nobody is either perfect. She has seen worse people who always talk about morality or honesty but inside of them rotten souls live.

No doubt, she is an emotionally weak woman. Sometimes, old memories make her weaker. She wishes to erase all memories. She wishes to restart her life from the same dot where she had felt the last happiness.

She had to prove herself, but now she says.” You don’t have to prove yourself in front of others but try proving to yourself who you are.” her psychological injury will never go away. It is also possible that she won’t allow the injury to heal because she is scared to get hurt again. The human brain and heart are so delicate and small, which could only tolerate a certain amount of impact. It could be fatal if your mind and heart face the impact more than its tolerance capacity.

No, she is not the same person she was once. She can feel the change. She often feels a different person living inside of her body. She can pay attention to what she is doing. However, she lives in a strange fear that somebody could ask about her loved one’s well-being. She might not be able to control her tears or hide her emotions. Her pride and soul are gone since he is in a comma. She can not smile because she is afraid to cry. In the end, how can she trust others while she has lost trust in her eyes, emotions, and heart?

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