Unable to Find Herself

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In the evening, she was watching the beautiful nature while driving through the countryside. Most of the trees were leafless due to extreme cold weather. Only evergreen trees still looked green. However, the snow had covered the branches of naked trees, which had offered a unique beauty to those trees. The harsh winter was unable to destroy the beauty of nature. Instead of seeing green, the trees appeared to be a white color presented as a symbol of peace.
Suddenly something came to her mind. She saw her face in the mirror. She did not recognize herself. The harshness of her life has changed her greatly. She asked herself, “Am I the same person? If I’m the same person, why do I feel different? Why does my face look so sad? Why do I see the emptiness in my eyes? Why don’t I have any feelings on my face?

She felt very extraordinary. As reaching her house, she ran upstairs. She looked directly into the mirror. She tried to find her soul, but she could not find it. Where is the woman who was always smiling? Where is the woman who loved to do notorious things? Where is the woman who likes to dress well for her beloved man? Where is the woman whose mind was filled with desires, happiness, and hopes? What happened to the woman who was filled with pride because of the love and affection of her beloved man? Where is the strong and confident woman who always had crossed the sea and climbed the mountain to meet her beloved man? Where is the lucky woman who used to make everyone laugh?

She laughingly said to herself, “Silly woman, you will never find that woman again because her beloved man and her own demons had killed her. The woman you now see through the mirror was not born, but her beloved man has created her. Now, her name is Sara. Munna passed away a long time ago. This new woman feels frustrated, dejected, and rejected all the time. Her eyes are always sad. She stays calm most of the time. She refuses to talk with anybody because the tears will come into her eyes which she does not want anybody to see her tears. She looks around with her empty eyes. That’s why she feels alone in this crowded world because her eyes can’t see her beloved man. Thus, she feels that this world is empty. While sitting in a crowd or group of people, she always feels alone.

She no longer has the courage or confidence to leave the house; How will she climb the mountain or cross the sea to meet her beloved man. Her pride has been lost. He made her a beggar and destroyed her personality. Now, she looks at everyone suspiciously. She has no hope, desire, or means to live. She has become emotionless. She does not think anything. She always says in her mind, “Don’t try to have a daydream.” She is just a machine or robot that only knows how to do certain important things.

No, the time has not cured her. Just a different woman took her place. She does not blame anyone except herself and her beloved man. After she has spoken to his brother, she has stopped taking anyone’s help. She also has stopped praying. I should pray if God listens to the culprits and liars, she is well aware that she would have to fight her battle alone once again. She often asks herself, “I was born to bear some responsibilities to others instead of getting happiness for myself.”

She still sees him walking around her. She feels his presence around all the time. She feels as if he is laughing at her or making fun of her. She feels he is saying to her, “Yes, I love you. But I have also taught you a lesson for doing some actions without my permission. You are just an orphan woman. Apart from crying and cursing yourself, what would you do?”
Sara tells him, “Yes, you are right. You succeeded in killing Munna and made me. I know you feel like you are a God. But supreme power watching us. Judgment day will come soon.”

Looking through the mirror, she said to herself, “I can’t find an older version of myself. How someone else will find me.”
Time is passing, and her mind is continuously declining. Perhaps it is called a cycle of life.

8 thoughts on “Unable to Find Herself

  1. From a Christian perspective, I’d say let Munna be born again and start with a fresh, joyful soul. From a secular perspective, I’d say Munna is still there. Older and wiser, but still Munna. Blessings on a fresh week!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a powerful post, Sara. I felt very word. Life, circumstances and other people have ways of forcing us to suffer and age before our time. It is only through God and prayer that we can reclaim our happiness and turn back the hands of time.

    Thank you for posting. God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

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