Remembering My Mother


You were gone this month many years ago. You were so sick, but your brain was still so sharp. You had looked very weak. So, you had lost a lot of weight. First, I could not recognize you. But you were waiting for me. I had informed that you were needed at least two people’s help to sit on the edge of the bed. Your heart was dying, but your eyesight or sense of smell had become so stronger. Suddenly a strange power came into your body. Everybody got surprised when you pushed everybody away and had sat on the edge of the bed yourself. You had an answer to this question, but I am pretty sure that you had smelled my scant. As I know, you were not able to see anything without your glasses. However, your strength had temporary returned when you saw your daughter crossed the main lobby of the house.

Everybody laughed and said,” Look how Sardarni became stronger to see her daughter.” My legs were shivering because I had entered the house after many decades. The old memories were heavy on me. I sat next to you without any emotions. My face was sad and flat, but the brain was full of many questions. I looked at you very carefully. Your face was full of wrinkles, but you were still looking very beautiful. I was emotionless, but you had lost your strong heart that day. Before I had asked about your illness, you had kissed my broken arms and started to look for other scars. You were at the death bed, but you were still very strong, “I want to shoot that druggy bastard who tried to kill my daughter.”

People said you were just waiting for your daughter before you saying goodbye to this planet. Of course, you asked about the well-being of your grandchildren, but It made me surprised when you asked about my dog.

Dear mother, the reality was different because you did not want to die before apologizing from your daughter. You did what the mother should have done to protect her daughter. I did what my daughter had to do for her parents. I had also kept your promise. I remember when you had told me, “I don’t want you to see my face if I died. You are not allowed to cremate me.”

You were so upset at me because I had broken each rule and the traditions of the family. Yes, Mum, I had a broken rule and tradition, but my father had broken those rules before me. The night before, I was ready to leave home. I was sleeping next to you. Suddenly, I woke up, and you were holding both my feet and begging for forgiveness. Mum, you had a broken a tradition that day. In our family, the youngest touches the knees and feet of the elderlies. You wanted to say something, but I stopped you and hugged you. Did you remember, I told you that I am not alone anymore?

The man who brought us together and had given me a chance to reconcile with you left me alone to die. Sometimes, It comes into my mind that you may be looking down at me, and fighting with the father, “Didn’t I tell you something? She just like you. Didn’t I tell you to teach her how to face this society, but no, you just wanted her to be just like you. See, now she is suffering”.

Mum, you had given me unconditional love for 16 years. You were different from my father. Both of you had loved me a lot but a different way. You were over-protective, which I was not too fond of it all. I was a free spirit like my father. Neither you were able to control him nor me.

I am going through hell in my life now. Unfortunately, nobody could understand my pain, and of course, nobody has left to protect me. I always wished to look pretty as you. I admit that I don’t like your niece because she exactly looks like you. Everybody told her, “oh, she is so pretty, just like her aunt.” I had to confess now, “I and Binu both threatened her not to visit our town.”. Twins and I hated it when she got married to my cousin. I am sorry because we were the brat kids at that time.

Mum, I miss how you used to wake up Binu and I early in am so that we could run at least 3 miles. I spent a little time out of it to offer namaz with Abu. Insha Allah, I won the final race, and Binu came second. I was not too fond of it when you shoveled the food early morning in my throat. I wouldn’t say I liked it when you made me eat eggs with warm milk before going to bed. I didn’t like it when you had sent me to the boarding school. Mommy, I miss all those things now. Often, I go to sleep hungry. Sometimes, I don’t eat anything for a couple of days since Altaf had left me. After you were gone, he did a fantastic job taking care of me. He had often said, “I am everything to you. I am your mother, father, sister, chachu, and Abu.”

Mum, I had seen all of you dying twice. Once Almighty had taken all of you. The second time, I saw all of you were dying again when Altaf left me. It is very painful. I have become an orphan again. I wish you were alive now. So you could ask him, “why he has made the promise which he could not keep? Didn’t you know that she is not Muslim before you slept with her? Didn’t you know my daughter went through the hell, why you don’t dare to come forward and take responsibility? Can you be a man?”

Of course, mum, you were going to ask those questions in front of his father. I know that you were a brave woman. I remember those words when you asked those questions from the family of the woman of our town who was suffering from postpartum depression. Neither her brothers nor her husband was ready to take responsibility. You had shut off the mouths of wise people of two villages. The woman still lives happily with her family now because of your courage. I remember what my father told after he listened to the entire conversation from me, “Thank God, she didn’t go to school; otherwise, Ram Jeth Malani did not have a chance to win any case.”

Mum, I am alone. I cry a lot. I often feel weak. I wish to be brave like you. Everybody calls me a female version of my father because I continue with his teachings. I don’t particularly appreciate talking to your family. Please don’t blame my father for this. But I try my best to help them through my cousin as they are adjusting to Canada. Mum, Unfortunately, my father and I share one another thing,” we both love our birthplace.” This was another reason I was so upset at you because nobody had fulfilled his last wish. He wanted to die in the valley, mum. But you did not allow transferring him to the valley because he was so weak, and you were afraid that he might die during the journey. Mother, history is being repeated. Altaf had built my graveyard, but I will not be allowed to bury there. Of course, along with Banny and Ina, my father’s soul and mine will be wandering in the valley.

I wish you were alive today. I could hug you. You were right that this world is not very safe. I didn’t like it when you had made your decision to ship me to the USA due to safety issues. I also hated it. I got so upset when I saw my passport because my identity was also changed. I am still confused about which birthday I should celebrate now. I was so angry that day, and I had chopped my black, long, and curly hair. I had become a rebel at that time. Everything had taken away from me. I remember how you cried when you saw my chopped hair. Mum, everything has taken away from me again.
My smile, desires, hopes, and soul has taken away from me. Can you guide me on how to live now? I wander aimlessly and alone in this world. Mum, do you remember I was a little brat kid, but everyone loved me. Abu had killed a rebellion inside of me and had shown me the right path. Altaf had given me a life again before he has taken it away again. Mum, How our life was so good when everybody was alive. Why the darkness had knocked at our door as I turned 16. Your daughter is a walking dead body now. No, mommy, I don’t wait for any miracle now. I don’t have any desire left since he had gone. I can accept everything, but it hard to accept Altaf had left me to die. Mum, I am plan visiting Abu’s grave, and I will see Altaf from a distance. Altaf doesn’t care about me, but I still love him. It doesn’t matter anymore, mum. I want you to rest in peace. Please don’t fight with Abu and my father. You were a wonderful mother. I wish you will always be my mother in the next lives too.
Your Daughter

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