The Purposeless Life

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She has regained her professional confidence. It took some time, but she succeeded. She credits her mentors and, of course, those who have supported her these days. Her mentor/boss has recently suffered from corona, and she has performed well for both herself and her boss’s job. She just doesn’t like working in one place. After a full recovery from Corona, she has adopted her nomadic life again. She goes to work in five different places. The role of filling blank types schedule has also brought more confidence in her. Only she knows why she chose to work at different sites. She has chosen different locations because she does not want attachments.

However, her confidence in personal life has finished completely. She has no purpose or goal or desire. Her mood is always changing throughout the day. The demons live in her mind, reminding her of her past. Often, her attention goes around him, which she has no control over. It doesn’t matter if she prays or watches TV, and his memory suddenly knocks her soul out. She avoids the roads and places where she went with him. Sometimes, she is afraid that avoiding those places is not good for the healing process.

Her life has become useless. Staying out of society protects her from hurting her feelings again. She is too weak to control her emotions. Once upon a time, she controlled her emotions very well, but now her emotions control her life. His memory comes to her mind, then suddenly she becomes sad. Sadness leads her to cry. Her wailing soul goes to sleep on the floor, and she talks to the Almighty. Her conversation with Almighty goes on until she falls asleep. She has learned how to hide tears from the people, but she could not learn how to hide her sadness. Her soul is tired, and her eyesight is getting worse.

Most of the time, she feels dejected. Sometimes, she smiles, but she pays the price of her smile with tears. She often asks from Almighty, “why even I was born? Am I born to just sad and cry? Can I live my life as a normal person? He promised me to give me happiness and a normal person’s life, but he has given me endless pain and tears. I wish to end my tears and sadness, but his memories bring restlessness and pain”.

She helps herself, “well, I have learned how much I love him. My pain tells me that I love him from the bottom of my heart. Thank God, I have not taken anything away from anybody. I have only given away. I have given up my happiness and life for others.”

She is still confused. She still waits for him. Her heart tells her that he loves her whenever she remembers what he used to say to her. She remembers his conversation. She remembers each moment they had spent together. She still remembers each moment of their first meeting. But suddenly her brain tells her, “he has used your emotions. He has killed your soul. He is a weak person who left her to die alone. She wonders how he has accepted the gallantry award after running like a coward person. Does he is really a brave person? In this situation, she just becomes restless and sad. She let her brain wins over her heart.

She has sat quietly now. She doesn’t beg from anyone now. However, she never forgets to ask Almighty, “did you know that he would break my heart and kill my soul? If so, why had you send him in my life? Don’t you know how much I have lived in pain? Don’t you know how much I have suffered? will you help me to end my pain now? You have to end my pain by erasing his memories from my heart. You will make me demented. How I will spend my entire life in pain, fear, and self-isolation”.
Neither Almighty tires from her question, nor he has an answer for her. She does not get tired asking from Almighty.
For others, her pain has become an old story. But for her, the pain is still very intense. It will never be old for her. People may get tired of listening to her, but her soul continues to wail. Her grieving process will never end because she loves him a lot. How her grieving process will end when he still lives in her heart. It could be a game for him, but not for her. Her life has went upside down. There was no proper burial for her relationship.

Do you know how hard to spent time without doing anything? There is only his feelings and memories left in her mind. Otherwise, her mind is just empty. Her mind has no desire, hope, happiness. Often she feels dejected and abandoned. She wanders in this world aimlessly

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