Human life is full of surprises and events that continue to change any person’s behavior, personality, and habits. Look at yourself and think if you had the same character or habits when you were a child or teenager, or has it been changed?. Physical appearance varies with age, but psychological changes occur for many other reasons. Internal and external forces influence any person’s habits, feelings, or behavior to change. Thus, there are no milestones to describe the psychological condition as it can change anytime.
People always advise each other that time heals a wound. Does it improve wounds? Do wounds get covered with the dust of life’s turmoil? Every human faces many storms in their life. Everyone reacts to those storms differently because it also depends on the storm and the person’s strength.
I am not the same little girl or a teenager or a woman. My life has changed a lot, which has dramatically changed my personality. So many storms came into my life, which I had faced with my full ability and strength. I felt stronger physically and emotionally after each storm passed. Death had often come so close to me but left without taking me. So many physical scars are left on my body, but I am never disappointed to see those scars. I call those scars the beauty of my body.
I have also faced many emotional traumatic injuries since the age of 16. I had become stronger with those injuries. However, it changed my personality and behavior. I am no longer the same notorious little girl who likes to socialize with everybody. I am not the same quiet and shy teenager anymore. The last psychological storm of my life has left unhealed wounds and unremarkable impressions on my life.
I should call it devastated tornadoes instead of the storm because it had wrecked my personality and emotions. Despite all those deadly storms of my life, one thing never changed in me. I had listened to my heart when I was a little girl and a teenage girl, which is continuing to date. I have my own different and exciting theories about it. The person who follows their mind becomes a materialistic and selfish person. Following your heart allows you to do the right things, which could hurt your feelings. This is my theory, and nobody has to agree with me. But I decided to follow my heart rather than my brain. No doubt, I do have a genius brain, which I use only at my work. My mother is no longer alive to tell me,” do you have a genius brain? I doubt it. If so, when do you plan to use it?”
I speak from the heart, and I follow the voice of my heart. I inherited this quality from my father. I am very proud to carry on with his legacy until I die. The last storm has also helped me adopt something I had seen in my childhood. It is impossible to become Abu, but I have become like my father and Chachu. I have adopted a simple life like my Chachu. He lived his life in two pairs of clothes and one meal of the day. I did not know when I packed all my belongings and started living like him. For the past 1.5 years, I have been eating only one meal a day. I once wore an expensive dress only once and never saw it again. Now, all luxuries have been donated or locked away. I acquired this quality from my mother, which I proudly abandoned. My two dresses are my work clothes and my casual clothes now. I have donated a lot of my belongings. People say I am just depressed; therefore, I have chosen this lifestyle. Well, I can’t change what people think.
My father did not know his entire life why he worked so hard. So, how would I understand why I work so hard? His profession was his passion, and mine has become my passion. He used his brain at work, so I do the same thing. My father lived his life alone, so I have decided to do a similar thing. He always spoke from his heart, and I will follow his legacy and principles. It does not matter now what I will lose more.
Is there anything left in my life that I should worry about losing? No, there is nothing left to lose anymore. My thief number 4 has stolen everything from me. He has stolen my dreams, happiness, hopes, country, beautiful valley, and life. However, it has also given me strength. Now, I do not feel anything if I lose anything.
I have forgiven everybody who had tried to harm me physically and emotionally. Those people were innocents, and they had just decided to take advantage of the situation. However, some of them were selfish and greedy. They had thought about themselves only. They had thoughts about their benefits. I am not a greedy person, and I do not like keeping a grudge because the Almighty lives in my heart. Abu often told me,” Almighty lives in the heart, not in the mosques or temples or churches.” Well, then why would I allow any grudge or those materialistic people to live in my heart? I will let the Almighty decide their fate, luck, reward, or punishment.
I do not like talking to people. I keep my space from everybody. Am I antisocial? No, I love people, but I keep my distance. Not everybody living on this earth is bad. However, I am born with an unfortunate fate or the worst person. Why do I refuse to talk with people? I have realized that I do not hate people, and I am not antisocial. I am just afraid to get hurt again. I am over protecting myself. The person I have believed and loved most in my life had left me to die alone when I needed him most. Humans make mistakes, but we do not leave them alone to die. We stand with them and help them to get up again. I was taught this way. But the man whom I trusted and loved like an almighty could not face the truth. I used to believe in people easily, but now I do not believe in myself. I have started to overprotect my broken heart and soul, so I have created a wall of isolation around me. Therefore, I stay away from people. I have chosen to express myself on the blog only.
I have forgiven everybody, but I am not ready to forgive him. Neither am I prepared to forgive him nor am I willing to forget him. I do not hate him either. He is still the love of my life. Sometimes, I wonder if he got whatever he wanted from me or if he just wasted all those years of my life. Why am I not ready to forgive him? The reason is noticeably apparent. He knew well how important he was to me, how my life would shatter without him. He knew well how much I loved him. Becoming deaf, blind, and mute was not his right action or right choice. He had saved many things, but he also caused a lot of damage, which he had to pay for. I know that his one word could have saved many things, but he thinks with his brain, not with his heart, so he has chosen to be smart, selfish, and greedy. I will leave the forgiveness and forgotten stuff for the day of judgment. I will not forget him or forgive him even if he dies or I die. Unfortunately, he has succeeded in killing me emotionally, while others failed to kill me physically.
After 4 weeks, I will be back on the battlefield tomorrow again. Unfortunately, I have had too many restarts to work dates for 1.5 years. Thus, my blog friends and family bless me to do my job with perfection and passion.
God bless everybody, be safe, and stay healthy.