Human life is full of surprises and events that continue to change the behavior, personality, and habits of any person. Look at yourself and think if you have the same character or habits when you were a child or teenager or has it been changed?. Physical appearance varies with age, but psychological changes occur for many other reasons. Internal and external forces influence any person’s habits, feelings, or behavior to change. Thus, there are no milestones to describe the psychological condition as it can change anytime.
People always advise each other that time heals a wound. Does it improve wounds? or Do wounds get covered with the dust of life’s turmoil? Every human faces many storms in his or her life. Everyone reacts to those storms differently because it also depends on the storm and the strength of the person.
I am not the same little girl or a teenager or a woman. My life has changed a lot, which has dramatically changed my personality. Many storms came into my life, which I had faced with my full ability and strength. I had felt stronger, physically, and emotionally after each storm was passed. Many times, the death had come so closer to me but left without taking me. Many physical scars left on my body, but I am never disappointed to see those scars. I call those scars the beauty of my body.
I had also faced many emotional traumatic injuries since the age of 16. I had become stronger with those injuries. It had changed my personality and behavior. I am not the same notorious little girl anymore who liked to socialize with everybody. I am not the same quiet and shy teenager anymore. The last psychological storm of my life has left unhealed wounds and unremarkable impressions on my life.
I should call it devastated tornadoes instead of the storm because it had wrecked my personality and emotions. Despite all those deadly storms of my life, one thing never changed in me. I had listened to my heart when I was a little girl and a teenage girl, which is continuing to date. I have my own different and exciting theories about it. The person who follows his or her mind becomes a materialistic and selfish person. Following your heart allows you to do the right things, which could hurt your feeling though. This is my theory, and Nobody has to agree with me. But I decided to follow my heart rather than my brain. No doubt, I do have a genius brain, which I use only at my work. Well, my mother is not alive to tell me,” do you have a genius brain? I doubt it. If so, when do you plan to use it?”
I speak from the heart. I follow my heart too. I inherited this quality from my father. I am very proud to carry on with his legacy until I die. The last storm also has helped me adopting something which I had seen in my childhood. It is impossible to become Abu, but I have become like my father and Chachu. I have adopted a simple life like my Chachu. He lived his life in two pairs of clothes and one meal of the day. Yes, I did not know when I have packed all my belongings and started living like him. For the past 1.5 years, I have been eating only one meal a day. I once wore an expensive dress only once and never seen it again. Now, all luxuries have been donated or locked away Well, this quality I acquired from my mother, which I proudly abandoned. My two dresses are my work clothes as well as my casual clothes now. I have donated a lot of my belongings. People say that I am just depressed, therefore, I have chosen this lifestyle. Well, I can’t change what people think.
My father did not know his entire life why he worked so hard. So, How I would understand why I work so hard. His profession was his passion, and mine has become my passion. He used his brain at work, and so I do the same thing. He lived his life alone, and so I have decided to do a similar thing. He always had spoken from his heart, and I will follow his legacy and principles. It does not matter now what I will lose more.
Does anything left in my life, which I should worry about losing? No, there is nothing left to lose anymore. My thief number 4 has stolen everything from me. He has stolen my dreams, happiness, hopes, country, beautiful valley, and life. However, it has also given me strength. Now, I do not feel anything if I lose anything.
I have forgiven everybody who had tried to harm me physically and emotionally. Those people were innocents, and they had just decided to take advantage of the situation. Some of them were selfish and greedy. They had thought about themselves only. They had thoughts about their benefits. I am not a greedy person, and I do not like keeping the grudge in my heart because Almighty lives in my heart. Abu often told me,” Almighty lives in the heart, not in the mosques or temples or churches.” Well, then why I will allow any grudge or those materialistic people to live in my heart? I will let Almighty decide their fate, or luck, or reward or punishment.
I do not like talking to people. I keep my space from everybody. Am I antisocial? No, I love people but keep my distance. Not everybody living on this earth is bad. However, I am born with an unfortunate fate, or I am the worse person on this earth. Why do I refuse to talk with people? I have realized that I do not hate people, and I am not antisocial. I am just afraid to hurt again. I am over protecting myself. The person I have believed and loved most in my life had left me to die alone when I needed him most in my life. The human makes a mistake, but we do not leave them alone to die. We stand with them and helps them to get up again. I was taught this way. But the man whom I trusted and loved like an almighty could not face the truth. I used to believe people easily, but now I do not believe in myself. I have started to overprotect my broken heart and soul, so I have created the wall of isolation around me. Therefore, I stay away from people. I have chosen to express myself on the blog only.
I have forgiven everybody, but I am not ready to forgive him. Neither I am prepared to forgive him, nor am I willing to forget him. I do not hate him either. He is still the love of my life. Sometimes, I wonder if he got whatever he wanted from me or he just wasted all those years of my life. Why am I not ready to forgive him? The reason is noticeably apparent. He knew well how important he is to me, how my life would shatter without him. He knew well how much I love him. Becoming a deaf, blind, and mute was not his right action or right choice. He had saved many things, but he also caused a lot of damage, which he had to pay for the rest of his life. All I know his one word could have saved many things, but he thinks with his brain, not with his heart, so he has chosen to be smart, selfish, and greedy. I will leave the forgiveness and forgotten kind of stuff for the day of judgment. I will not forget him or forgive him even he dies, or I die. Unfortunately, he has succeeded in killing me emotionally, but while others failed to kill me physically.
After 4 weeks, I will be back on the battlefield tomorrow again. I have too many restarts to work dates for the past 1.5 years. Thus, my blog friends and family, bless me to do my job with perfection and passion.
God bless everybody, be safe, and stay healthy.