A face, a voice, and a few words follow her wherever she goes. She sees a face in front of her eyes. She was scared, so she closed her eyes, but she saw the same face in her heart and mind. She asks people who advise her to forget and move on, should I cut my heart out to forget him, should I hit my head with something so he can come out, or should I rip my soul apart so he won’t stay in my soul.”
Everyone advises her to forget, but no one cares what she wants. Why would anyone care what she wants? Has the person responsible already abandoned her? She blames herself and no one else. She often thinks, “I should have died when I was born. Or I should have died when the bullets went through my Abu but without touching me. Why is she still alive despite failing medical science? How did she survive at the shrine of a peer baba?
Yes, she has lived because her soul is not with her. Yet, how can she die without her complete soul and complete burial of her love?
Everyone looks at her with question marks. She looks around. She smiles as she sees the chaplain, “Why is he here? He should be home. He is very weak and is at high risk of contracting the virus”.
She could not stop herself, “Father, why are you here? You should have stayed at home. You don’t even have the right mask. ”
She didn’t give the father a chance to talk. Instead, she removed the mask from his face and put on the N95 mask. “Well, now you can talk,” she told the father.
The father smiled and said, “I’m glad to see you. I thought you were gone forever.”
The woman said, “I am temporarily back in the city, but I will leave again after the storm calms down.”
Father asked the woman, “okay, I will see you soon. But, unfortunately, the family friend has died, so I came here to support the family.”
The woman said, “Father, can you have a coffee with me before you leave the hospital?” So the father returned after some time. He knew well that woman wanted to talk with him.
She asked the father, “Let’s have some coffee in the doctor’s lounge. The cafe is closed.
She took the father to the doctor’s lounge. She made some coffee for her father and herself. Sipping the coffee, the father asked the woman, “Is everything okay?
Her voice gets heavy, “I am okay but confused as usual. I’m trying to figure out who I am. My community thinks that I am advanced, but the people here think I am backward. Muslim people think I belong to Sikhs, but the Sikhs believe I am Muslim. So I think that “I am a human, and I love my Bubby, and I belong to him and Almighty.”
The father asked the woman, “Can you pray with me? Hold both my hands”.
Before she held his hand, she told her father, “Can you bless my Bubby instead of me? Can you also bless my mentor because he has had some rough times due to this virus? I will be happy if my Bubby gets some blessings from you.”
Father asked the girl, “how is your Ramadan? The woman replied, “It is going well. It is not hard, though. However, I have lost my identity. Allah thinks I am Babaji’s responsibility, and Babaji thinks I am Allah’s responsibility. But I think that I am my Bubby’s responsibility. My life has become so sad and miserable without him. It is my fate. I am born to suffer.”
She asked the father again, “Can you pray for my mentor boss? The virus has taken a financial toll on our group. I have never seen him disappointed like this. Recently, he has made some decisions which none of them like. He didn’t have any choice. I voted for him. Now, everyone looks at me like I am a criminal. I did not agree with my mentor’s decision, but I have stood with him. Do you know how hard it is when a person walks solo? No one hesitates to comment negatively. How I could forget that he saved my professional life. So can you pray for him, father?”
After talking to the father, the woman felt her burden getting less, “Father, can you also pray for my Bubby. I am tired of listening to the taunts, “where is your man? Why won’t he come to rescue you.” It hurt like hell. But I get used to all bad comments and taunts because someone doesn’t dare to stop it”.
The father held the woman’s hand and prayed for her bubby and mentor.
She advised him, “Don’t come to the ED to bless everyone. You should virtually bless everybody. I think the Almighty also uses computers and social media nowadays”.
Both laughed. Father had left for his house. She stood there until her father’s car disappeared. The woman returned to her post, “what is life? I am confused. Who should I trust? Why do people want me to change? I was born like this, so I must live like this. Are people scared to deal with reality? Who is my friend or foe? Everything has ended. A person comes and takes everything away from you, and you don’t have an option except to listen to everybody. This is not fair game. Somehow, I have to live this life. I wish to be reborn as a bird.”
Her tears started to shed as some thoughts came into her mind, “Will I ever see him again? Will I ever talk to him again? He lives in my heart, but why has he become so strange?”