The Sadness

She enters her home sadly. Everything looks so sad. She is not hungry and thirsty. She has forced the food and water down her throat for three days. Her voice is very feeble. The house doesn’t look the same. Everything looks sad when your soul and mind are sad. She sits on the edge of the bed, and she doesn’t have enough energy to change her clothes. So she slips under the comforter without taking a shower or changing clothes.
She looks at Babaji’s pic on the right side of the wall. She doesn’t say a single word, but she has spoken many talks with her silence which only the almighty could understand.

She talks to Banny and Inna, “I apologize for not telling you a good story. I am tired and want to get some rest”.

Both looked at her with some disappointment. Then, finally, Banny tells Inna, “This is not my hooman mommy. Why she won’t talk to us”.

Inna tells Banny, “Doggy boy, why don’t you understand that she needs some rest.”
She ignores the boys and continues to look at Babaji’s pic. Finally, she closes her eyes, and tears shed spontaneously from her eyes. She wants to sleep. This is her life cycle now: sleep, go to work, come home, and sleep again.

Inna asks her slowly, “Do you miss my father?”

She tells him, “No, why would I miss him?”

Inna asks her again, “why are you so quiet and sad? Why are your eyes tearful? So you are hiding from us. Didn’t we decide, ‘no more secret’ kind of thing”?
She hugs both boys, “Yes, I miss him. I feel like talking to him. I want to see his face. My time is up”.

Inna suggests to her, “why don’t you call him?”

The woman laughs and cries simultaneously, “You are so innocent. Your father is a very clever person. He is brave enough to hide his feelings. I am brave enough to share with everybody”.

Banny tells her, “I know he loves you so much. I have seen it. Why doesn’t he realize it?”
The woman looks at the roof and tells the boys, “He will talk but not in this life. This life cycle has already ended. My life journey has started on a different path”.

Her thoughts go deep into the past. She misses all the conversations which they both had once. She looks at Almighty, “are you there? Can you feel something? My demon starts to knock again, which always brings destruction. Almighty, can you help me? Your daughter feels alone and sad. I don’t need happiness. I don’t need anything. There isn’t time for justice yet. I am tired of hanging around. My hands are getting tired, and there is not much left to hang on, so call me back, almighty. I am so ready to come back”.

Outside is thundering, rain is pouring, and her window is open. She always leaves the window open. Maybe a guardian angel, almighty or her hubby, would come to rescue her through the open window. She does not care if the rainwater comes inside the house. There is also rain and thunder inside of her.

Neither she nor anyone else could figure out which rain was heavier: The rain pouring inside of her wailing soul or the rain pouring from the sky.

“The Church lady always says, “Hang on, Munna Sara.” Her mentor/boss: ‘Hang on, Munna. She asks herself, “What should I use to hang on to? Should I hang on to my broken soul, broken faith or broken desires, or broken dreams? What should I use to hang on”.

10 thoughts on “The Sadness

  1. I don’t know of anything other than God that allows a person to hang on with much success. Life — with COVID or without — is too difficult for a mere human on her own. I know it is for me. But, the Holy Spirit comes alongside and says “keep moving, keep helping, keep living” and I do. I suspect it is the same with most believers. We are not enough, but this is OK with God as He is much more than enough. 🙂

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