Rumi said, “love yourself completely and return to the roots of your soul.” He said very right, but it could be a challenge. You can love yourself only when you are happy. You can return to the roots of your soul only when you feel being loved. You can’t love yourself if you feel incomplete and unsatisfied. How you can reach your soul when it is only partially attached to you.
She often thoughts about it. When people tell her to love yourself and be happy. She thinks, “am I happy? I laugh and make other people laugh with my sense of humor. At the end of the day, both my eyes and soul cries. I sit on the floor or lay down on the bed and continue to cry. The tears come automatically out even I try to control so hardly. I cannot concentrate on TV or writing anything else. My soul cries even I keep myself busy with activities. Sometimes, I feel what someone thinks about to see me crying if they look inside of my house”.
How could she love herself completely? She did once love herself completely after a long time because she had found another part of her soul. Her face used to glow, and her eyes used to shine. She has laughed inside to outside. She had felt complete and satisfied. She felt as she was reborn because Almighty had given another part of her soul. Now she thinks, “he should not have come into my life. He knew everything, but he still came into my life. I was not happy before I met him, but I was not miserable, either. I was quiet, but I was not in pain. I had some dreams to meet him one day. I did have some desires and hopes. Now, I don’t have anything except the crushing pain in my soul and tears. How someone expects me to live. Many times, I had tried going away from him, but he always brought her closer to him. He decided to leave when he knew that my life would be miserable without him. Why he waited so long if there was no love? Why does he still continue to lie? Who is he trying to save himself or me? No, continue to lie will not save me anymore because I am already damaged. You can speak the truth now. Stop making new stories to hide the truth”.
He can forget her like a bad dream, but she will always remember him. She never called her ex because true love never becomes a past. Your soulmate could not be your ex. He is her past, present, and future, which doesn’t matter how bad or good it is.
She thinks, “how I could love myself, how I could go to reach my soul because a half part of my soul is not with me. The part of my soul has ripped apart from me. The shattered soul neither can be loved nor healed. I have learned how to live with the pain. No, quality of life, though. How could she concentrate? Sudden jerking in her brain wakes her up from the sleep. sometimes, she is fully awake when a jerking sound comes from her left side of the temporal region which makes her entire body to shake. Sometimes it also makes her to scream. Others have noticed it, but she never had an answer. Nobody asks anymore because it has become an old story for others. Who cares what she feels?
How can she concentrate praying to Almighty? She spends most of her time talking to Almighty and looking for some answers instead of praying. Sometimes she fights with Almighty but then asks for forgiveness. She stays away from humankind as much she could. She is happy sharing her thoughts with almighty or Banny and Ina. She also shares with him, which he cannot read anymore.
Writing on this blog is the choice the only choice left. All other options were taken away from her, so she will continue to write if the time would allow her. How weak is she? How much has she changed? She avoids talking about him because she starts to cry right away. She can feel sadness in her soul. Thus, how can she love herself? How she can connect to her soul? She looks at the mirror but sometimes could not recognize herself. Features are the same, but sadness announces its presence, which covers her features.
She has tried breaking her habit, but she returns to her cave, “I am not fit into this world. I am just passing my time now. I am trying to push my time so harder. I get afraid when the nightmare comes, but I cannot share it with him. He had made me feel so safe when the nightmare had come in the past. My nightmare used to get afraid of him. Can you believe that I never had nightmares when he was in my life”?
He doesn’t dare to see her in pain now. He won’t be able to express his feelings. He won’t have the courage to face her. He would not have the courage to look into her eyes because not everyone can face reality. He can hide now but how he would protect himself at the time of judgment. His soul will sink into the flood of her tears. Her screams will rip his soul apart, and he won’t tolerate the hurricane of her pains.
Her destruction could be stopped. Her pain could be stopped, but she is left alone to suffer. Sometimes, she thinks how brave my sis is? How can her sis sleep at night? How her so-called sister could laugh? How could a woman be so cruel and cleaver and selfish? Sometimes she thinks about her other sister, who said, “you have disgraced our family for loving him.” Often, the voices of humiliation and psychological torcher repeatedly come into her brain. Everyone tells her,” that is your fault.” She never defends herself. She cries when she writes or says someone, “yes, it was my fault, so I am paying right now.” But nobody wants to know the truth about how much her fault was and what her circumstances were. But it continues to knocks at her soul often. She starts writing when it becomes intense. “There are no words to write my pain. The love affair could break anytime. However, the person breaks badly when your soul gets apart from you”.
She thinks, “yes, I am the most stupid person who believes in love and almighty. I could have been happy if I have learned to love myself earlier or had learned how to be selfish”.
Often, she looks around if her father walks into the house. Sometimes, she looks at the door if her Bubby knocks at the door. Often she looks around if Abu or chachu are there. She also looks around if her mum yells at her, “Didn’t I tell you not to trust him.”
Why she looks for deads one, she laughs, “my Bubby told me not to expect anything from others.”
She often gets angry and confused, “why he loves me if he was not brave to protect me? Why he becomes everything to me if he were going to abandon me? Why had he shown me so much love and affection if he had to make her orphan again?
Bubby, do you know that you have opened some old wounds instead of helping to heal it? Do you know that you have killed my Abu, chachu, father, and mother again? Didn’t you take the responsibility when mum died? Leave about mum, you have taken some responsibility with the oath of Allah. You should at least respect almighty. Sorry, I am angry today because the last two days at work are not very good. People are getting so sick nowadays, and I often feel helpless to see humanity dying.