The world is worried about the deadly virus, which has taken many lives and claims many each minute. The woman is not concerned about this fatal virus even though she sits inside the hot zone. She and her colleagues are damn paranoid, so everyone who comes through the door is always contaminated.
Everyone around her looks happy. But, then, the woman thinks, “Are they just starting to pretend there’s ‘nothing wrong’ like me. Are they just careless like me? Are they alone like me? Do they have someone waiting for them at home?”.
She looks at the nurses, whose faces are smiling. They are brave ones. They know what they are doing. They know what they have signed up for. She still has not broken the ice with the staff in a new facility. She sits along with her colleague and two scribers behind the soundproof glass. Nurses joke with their partner, who has known them for more than two years now. She doesn’t like to break the barrier with them either.
She thinks, “I will die fighting like a brave person. It does not matter if the fight is at the personal or professional level”.
The oath has been taken at the professional level, and humanity continues to make her fight. She has promised him, which gives her the power to fight with herself. She is proud of herself and tells him, “bubby, I will die bravely working and waiting. I will die one day but at least with dignity and pride. Both Abu and my father will be so happy to see it. I don’t care about anybody else what they would think about me”.
The woman makes herself get out of bed every day. She struggles to take a shower and leaves the house. She does not desire to get up or leave the house, but she does it anyway. Every day, she fights to save herself while fighting to save others. Everyone says, “why don’t you give up easily?”.
The girl smiles and says, “I love fighting with the almighty. He wants to take people back, but I try stopping him. That is only between Almighty and me”. She doesn’t give up until she is run out of sources. She couldn’t tell anybody,” it is hard when your loved ones leave you. It does hurt a lot. Why do they go alone? Why do they leave someone behind?” She often fights with her Abu, father, and chachu, “why did you guys leave me alone here. Why did you guys die without me? I could have gone with you guys to live with Almighty”.
Her mind wonders if the Almighty sits in the middle of dead people and cares for them. Maybe the devil also sits in the middle of dead people who have gone to hell. Almighty sings peaceful songs to the people in heaven, and the devil wakes up the wrong people hitting them with a rope every minute.
She asks him, “What do you think? Will you make your ancestors proud? I don’t think so because you have made your Munna cry. But, I will be there to tell them that I have cried a lot because of you. Haha, I will always win, bubby.”
Fighting depression and sadness and losing someone is not easy. Over time, she has learned to compete with her depression. She has fought her battle alone. She does not feel like being homicidal or suicidal anymore. However, she still suffers from PTSD, which wakes her up or gets scared. It is the most painful experience when the people you trusted would bully, humiliate, and take advantage of you. All those bad experiences will make you stop believing in others.
She often thinks, “how much a person goes down to hell for personal greed. Will I let someone die because it is best for my family or my kids? How much could a person sell self-esteem or dignity to keep herself happy? Can I do the same thing?” No, she can’t do it. She would rather die suffering and crying, but she wouldn’t do the same thing to others because it is so painful. So she mostly says, “Almighty, please don’t give my kind of pain even to the bad people because it is so cruel.”
She often thinks, “I have not been allowed to communicate with him via email or phone.” She was willing to give up her beauty valley. She even offered to surrender her passport, so she won’t leave her safe house/country. No, people are not friendly. They don’t have feelings or emotions. It is all a matter of false pride and just showing off to the world “.
The woman has started writing. She has found her way to reach her loved ones. She often thinks, “maybe bubby will feel pain and have some courage to end her suffering. Or maybe Almighty will read and feel her pain, and he will come to rescue me”. Her pain will end either way. She doesn’t write to convince anyone. She doesn’t ask anybody to help her either. She doesn’t need anybody’s mercy. She looks toward only two: Almighty and her bubby. Both owe her, so she has the right to ask them.
Often, she asks many questions from herself, others, and the Almighty. But, no, there is no answer to her problems. For example, she laughed at someone when the person told her, “oh, you already forgot him if he didn’t have a high-profile job.” But, she couldn’t say, “seriously, I didn’t know who he was. Neither of us knew what we did for a living. we could have feelings for everyone but not the intensity and seriousness of love”.
When she feels sad, angry, and upset when someone talks bad about him, she says, “Good or bad, he is my bubby.” She often looks at his pictures and video clips. She loves reading newspapers that mention his name. She secures and saves the cutting of those articles on Google Drive. Why does she feel proud of a person who is already gone? She always feels proud of her Abu, Father, and Chachu, so why not her bubby? She often says, “no, my bubby doesn’t come into Abu, chachu, and my baba’s categories. I will keep him in my mom’s group”. His kind soul was afraid of seeing her pain and tears. Thus, he has chosen to be deaf, blind, and mute. Her soul has become restless to find the other half of her soul.
This is not life, which only circles between work, drive, and sleep. There is no 4th thing in her life to do anymore. No hobbies or desires left. So first, she used to look for him, and now she just waited for him. She never asks others now, “Do you know my bubby? Can you give him my message”? But she asks many other questions.
She feels as if “I am the one standing in the middle of the road who doesn’t have options to go backward or forward. So, I am trying to find a solution to heal. The tear still comes like crazy while I write about it. I am just trying to live to look for the solution. The man who got me in this situation knew well it could happen to me, but he still left me alone because of fear or what. But I couldn’t hate him. I hope one day, Allah will come to help me. I talk funny and jokes just to hide my pain”.
She often thinks about what is the punishment for sins. Does anybody realize if they have committed some crimes in their lives? Or they realize the consequences of their sins on somebody else. So, the person who does the sins is double responsible: sin and its consequences. She always asked what the punishment for the person who hides the sinner’s sins is. Sometimes, she asks herself, “do we pay for our loved ones.”
There is no answer to her curiosity. So many people wander around with curiosity, and they would leave this world without answers one day.
Can you leave someone who loves you a lot in the middle of the road? How can you leave someone in the middle of the way where neither they can go backward or forward because of you?
She laughs, “let’s see which virus will kill me: the deadly one that scares the world now or who lives inside me. Of course, not all viruses or bacteria are dangerous. But, we need to survive some of these viruses/bacteria.