The world is worried about the deadly virus, which has taken many lives and continues to claim many each minute. The woman is not concerned about this fatal virus even she is sitting inside the hot zone. She and her colleagues are damn paranoid, so everyone comes through the door, is always contaminated.
Everyone looks happy around her. The woman thinks, “are they just start pretending ‘nothing wrong’ like me. Are they just careless like me? Are they alone like me? Do they have someone waiting for them at home?”.
She looks at nurses. Their face is smiling. They are a brave one. They know what they are doing. They know what they have signed up. A new facility, she still has not broken the ice with the staff yet. She sits along with her colleague and two scribers behind the soundproof glass. Nurses make a joke with her partner, who knows them for more than two years now. She doesn’t like to break the barrier with them either.
She thinks, “I will die fighting like a brave person. It does not matter if the fight is at the personal or professional level”.
The oath has taken at the professional level, and humanity continues to make her fight. She has made a promise with him, which gives her the power to fight with herself. She proud of herself and tell him, “bubby, I will die bravely working and waiting. I will die one day but at least with dignity and pride. Believe me, both Abu and my father will be so happy to see it. I don’t care about anybody else what they would think about me”.
The woman makes herself to get out of bed every day. She struggles to take a shower and leave the house. She does not have any desire to get up or leave the house, but she does it anyway. Every day, she fights to save herself while fighting to save others. Everyone says, “why you don’t give up easily?”.
She smiles, “I love fighting with almighty. He wants to take people back, but I try stopping him. That is only between Almighty and me”. She doesn’t give up until she is run out of sources. She couldn’t tell anybody,” it is hard when your loved ones leave you. It does hurt a lot. Why they go alone? Why they leave someone behind?” She often fights with her Abu, father, and chachu, “why you guys left me alone here. Why you guys died without me. I could have gone with you guys to live with Almighty”.
Her mind wonders if Almighty sits in the middle of dead people and takes care of them. Maybe the devil also sits in the middle of dead people who have been gone to hell. Almighty sings peaceful songs to the people in heaven, and the devil wakes up the wrong people hitting them with a rope every minute.
She asks him, “what do you think? Will you make your ancestors proud? I don’t think so because you have made your Munna cry. I will be there to tell them that I have cried a lot because of you. Haha, I will always win, bubby.”
Fighting with depression and sadness and losing someone is not easy. Over time, she has learned to compete with her depression. She has fought her battle alone. She does not feel being a homicidal or suicidal anymore. However, she still suffers from PTSD, which wakes her up, or she gets scared. It is the most painful experience when the people you trusted would bullies, humiliate, and take advantage of you. All those bad experiences will make you stop believing others.
She often thinks now, “how much a person goes down to the hell for personal greed. Will I let someone die because it is best for my family or my kids? How much could a person sell self-esteem or dignity to keep herself happy? Can I do the same thing?” No, she can’t do it. She will rather die suffering and crying, but she won’t do the same thing to others because it is so painful. She mostly tells, “Almighty, please don’t give my kind of pain even to the bad people because it is so cruel.”
She often thinks, “I have been not allowed to communicate with him via email or phone.” She was willing to give up her beauty valley. She even offered that she would surrender her passport, so she won’t leave her safe house/country. No, people are not friendly. They don’t have feelings or emotions. It is all matter of false pride and to just show off to the world “.
The woman has started writing. She has found her way to reach her loved ones. She often thinks, “maybe bubby will feel pain and will have some courage to end her suffering. Or maybe Almighty will read and feel her pain, and he will come to rescue me”. Her pain will end either way. She doesn’t write to convince anyone. She neither ask anybody to help her. She doesn’t need anybody’s mercy. She looks toward only two: Almighty and her bubby. Both owe her, so she has the right to ask from them.
Often, she asks many questions from herself, others, and Almighty. No, there is no answer to her problems. She laughed at someone when the person told her, “oh, you already forgotten him if he didn’t have a high-profile job.” She just couldn’t say, “seriously, I didn’t know who he was. Both didn’t know what we did for a living. we could have feelings for everyone but not the intensity and seriousness of love”.
Why she feels sad, angry, and upset when someone talks bad about him, she ends up saying, “Good or bad, he is my bubby.” She often looks at his pictures and video clips. She loves reading any newspapers reading, which mentions his name. She secures and safe the cutting of those articles on the google drive. Why she feels proud of a person who is already gone? She always feels proud of her Abu, Father, and Chachu, then why not her bubby. She often shakes her head, “no, my bubby doesn’t come into Abu, chachu, and my baba’s categories. I will keep him with mom’s group”. His kind soul afraid of seeing her pain and tears, thus he has chosen to be deaf, blind, and mute. Her soul has become restless to find the other half of her soul.
This is not life, which only circles between work, drive, and sleep. There is no 4th thing in her life to do anymore. No hobbies or desires left. First, she used to look for him, and now she just waits for him. She never asks others now, “do you know my bubby. Can you give him my message”? But she asks many other questions.
She feels as “I am the one who is standing in the middle of the road who doesn’t have options to go backward or forward. So, I am trying to find the solution to heal. The tear still comes like crazy while I write about it. I am just trying to live to look for the solution. The man who got me in this situation knew well it could happen to me, but he still left me alone because of fear or what. But I couldn’t hate him. I hope one day, Allah will come to help me. I talk funny and jokes just to hide my pain”.
She often thinks that what is the punishment of sins. Do anybody realized if they have done some crimes in their lives. Or they realized what consequences of their sins could be on somebody else. So, the person who does the sins is double responsible: sin and for its consequences. She always asked what the punishment for the person who hides the sins of the sinner is. Sometimes, she asks herself, “do we pay for the sins of our loved ones.”
There is no answer to her curiosity. Many people wander around with curiosity, and one day they would leave this world without answers.
Can you leave someone in the middle of the road who loves you a lot? How can you leave someone in the middle of the way where neither he or she can go backward or forward because of you?
In the end, she laughs, “let’s see which virus will kill me: the deadly one which scaring the world now, or which lives inside of me. Not all the virus or bacteria is dangerous. Some of these viruses/bacterial we need to survive.