I am sad. I am sad



Driving back to her town she thinks that everyone including herself was happy for the past couple of days. Okay, for everyone to laugh or smile but she should not laugh or smile. Happiness and smile are out of her life dictionary.
Why suddenly has sadness come into her mind? What has been eating her soul now?
She feels exhausted, and her back is so stiff like wood. She feels a little headache. She feels tired, and her appetite has decreased significantly for the past two days.
Before she left the hospital, the nurse has checked her fever, which was normal. She does not have a fever or cough or cold symptoms. She feels as no energy. Her hands also start to hurt now.
She never accepts reality. She thinks in her mind,” it is because of working long hours in the busy emergency room.” Another part of her mind said, “you always works long hrs shifts. You always work busier than today. You never feel like this, but why today”.
She continues to drive. It is more than 4 hrs drive. She smiles, “oh, it is a price of loving some. Twelve hours long shift and now driving back to the town cause all symptoms”.
Suddenly, tears shed from her eyes, “no, I am sad. I am sad. I will die soon if not today, maybe after a few weeks. I don’t feel afraid of dying, but I don’t want to die alone. I want to die next to him. I want to die where I had taken my first breath”.
She misses him. Driving back to her home while hurting both physically and psychologically, she thinks, “how long has gone since talking to him. How long is gone since looking at him”.
Her pain gets more intense when some memories come back. How once he used to worry about her. How much overprotective he was. How was he possessed? She thinks if he comes here around this time. He will give her a lecture. “Why you don’t take care of yourself, Munna?
Now, no one is here to yell at her. She misses his caring and loving behavior. She cleans her tears,” it is okay, Bubby. It is not your fault because I had seen you being helpless. I could understand it. I am sorry for calling you a coward or could not protect her. I am used to taking care of myself since Abu and my parents were gone. But you have shown me some dreams. Thank you for loving me so much. I am sorry and forgive me for fighting with you. The almighty has given a limited time for each other, but it was very qualitative time”.
She thinks again, “why is my back stiff? The world is close to the end of why my doctor still wants to continue with my surgery? I have to reach thereby 11 Am on time”.
Does she start to count what time she will be home? What time will she go to sleep? It is not easy for her to sleep right away. It is not also easy for her to stay sleep. She needs to go back to work after the doctor’s appointment. But it is good that she will go to the hotel and rest until the next morning. The smile comes on her lips when she thinks about the long rest.
The weird sensation will go away after the surgery, but nobody knows about fixing her broken heart and feeling.
She cries and laughs at the same time, “there is no treatment for your demons, so learn to live with them.”
She cleans her tears before it shed out of her eyes. She smiles, “I win again. I win again. I am able to catch my tears before they shed out. It causes pain, and my skin comes out underneath my eyes. I have learned to catch my tears now”.
Most of the time, her tears and smiles come at the same time. Sometimes tears win and sometimes her smile. However, she is a permanent failure and a loser. Her faith in love has made her failure and a loser.
She has defeated all the evils things in her life, but her fate finally defeated her.
Most people tell her, “come back home. Serve your people. You will be safe here”. She thinks those people know me for the past few months. They are Nieves because they are not aware of reality.
She looks around. This is my safe house. I won’t leave my post until my last breath. Nobody could save my soul there. It has shattered completely. The man who should protect her has become deaf, blind, and mute. I don’t have the desire left to live. My last wish won’t be completed because I walk solo on this planet. Who will take me back to my valley? My Bubby supposed to do it, but he can’t do it anymore. I am sad. I am sad. I will die without talking to him. I am sad because I will go without looking at him. I am sad because my Bubby won’t know how much his Munna have loved her”.
She smiles again. She stops the car outside the house and enters like a thieve in her home. The house is dark, just like her future. She brings some positivity, “at least, Sara Altaf Khan will be written on my graveyard. I will meet my Abu, Father, and Chachu. I will not be an angel. I will be a ghost. I will ask Babaji and Allah to make me a ghost so I can scare my Bubby all the time. It will be fun. Almighty won’t refuse me because they will get tired answering to my questions.

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