I am sad. I am sad


Driving back to her town, she thinks that everyone, including herself, was happy for the past couple of days. Okay, for everyone to laugh or smile, but she should not laugh or smile. Happiness and smiles are out of her life dictionary.
Why has sadness suddenly come into her mind? What has been eating her soul now?
She feels exhausted, and her back is so stiff like wood. She has a little headache. She feels tired, and her appetite has decreased significantly over the past two days.
Before she left the hospital, the nurse checked her fever, which was normal. She does not have fever, cough, or cold symptoms. She feels no energy. Her hands are also starting to hurt now.
She never accepts reality. She thinks “her pain and fatigue are due to working long hours in the busy emergency room.” Another part of her mind said, “You always work long hrs shifts. You always work busier than today. You never feel like this, but why today”.
She continues to drive. It is more than a 4 hrs drive. She smiles, “Oh, it is the price of loving some. Twelve hours long shift and now driving back to town cause all symptoms”.
Suddenly, tears shed from her eyes, “No, I am sad. I am sad. Maybe after a few weeks, I will die soon, if not today. I don’t feel afraid of dying, but I don’t want to die alone. I want to die next to him. I want to die where I had taken my first breath”.
She misses him. Driving back to her home while hurting physically and psychologically, she thinks, “how long has gone since talking to him. How long has it been since I looked at him”.
Her pain gets more intense when some memories come back. How once he used to worry about her. How overprotective he was. How possessive was he? She wonders if he will come here. He will give her a lecture. “Why don’t you take care of yourself, Munna?
Now, no one is here to yell at her. She misses his caring and loving behavior. She cleans her tears,” it is okay, Bubby. It is not your fault because I had seen you being helpless. I can understand it. I am sorry for calling you a coward or could not protect her. I am used to taking care of myself since Abu and my parents were gone. But you have shown me some dreams. Thank you so much for loving me. I am sorry, and forgive me for fighting with you. The Almighty has given us a very limited time for each other, but it was very qualitative time”.
She thinks again, “why is my back stiff? The world is close to the end; why does my doctor still want to continue with my surgery? I have to reach there by 11 AM “.
Does she start to count what time she will be home? What time will she go to sleep? It is not easy for her to sleep right away. It is also not easy for her to stay asleep. She needs to go back to work after the doctor’s appointment. But it is good that she will go to the hotel and rest until the next morning. A smile comes to her lips when she thinks about the long rest.
The weird sensation will disappear after the surgery, but nobody knows about fixing her broken heart and feelings. So, instead, she cries and laughs simultaneously, “there is no treatment for your demons, so learn to live with them.”
She cleans her tears before they shed out of her eyes. She smiles, “I won again. I won again. I can catch my tears before they shed out. It causes pain, and the skin comes out underneath my eyes. I have learned to catch my tears now”.
Most of the time, her tears and smiles come simultaneously. Sometimes tears win, and sometimes her smile. However, she is a permanent failure and a loser. Her faith in love has made her a failure and a loser.
She has defeated all the evil things in her life, but her fate finally defeated her.
Most people tell her, “Come back home. Take care of your people. You will be safe here”. She thinks those people have known me for the past few months. They are naive because they are not aware of reality.
She looks around and thinks, “This is my safe house. I won’t leave my post until my last breath. My soul has been shattered there. Nobody could save my soul. The man who should protect her has become deaf, blind, and mute. I don’t have the desire left to live. My last wish won’t be completed because I walk solo on this planet. Who will take me back to my valley? My Bubby was supposed to do it, but he can’t anymore. I am sad. I am sad. I will die without talking to him. I am sad because I will go without looking at him. I am sad because my Bubby won’t know how much his Munna has loved her”.
She smiles again. She stops the car outside the house and enters like a thief in her home. The house is dark, just like her future. She thinks positively: “At least Sara Altaf Khan will be written over my graveyard. I will meet my Abu, Father, and Chachu. I will ghost instead of an angel. I will ask Babaji and Allah to make me a ghost to scare my bubby all the time. It will be fun. Almighty won’t refuse me because they will get tired of answering my questions.

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