Feel Alone

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Remember who did this

 

The woman had driven by a Bethel church, Good Shepard Church, Mosque, and then again Northwest Bible Baptist Church. She has slowed down to look inside those holy places, but she could not see anything. She asked almighty in her mind, “I am sorry for fighting with you the other day. I need to fight with somebody, and I think that I have a right to fight with you”. She looked at the churches and mosques with an unspoken question. Only almighty knows what she has asked. The tears in her eyes and wounded soul don’t have to speak to tell the mighty what she wants because almighty already aware of my questions.
She went upstairs and had sit by the window just underneath her Babaji picture. She looked at her Babaji but did not say a word. The tears started to well out of her eyes. She told Babaji, “I won’t say a single word to you.” she just sat on the floor and started to recite her self-made prayer, which she referred to all almighty. She does not care which almighty would listen to her prayer. Everyone is equal to her. Most people tell her, “pray to one almighty who might listen to you. You pray to all of them, and they become confused who should go to help you”.
She won’t hesitate to fight back, “I don’t care. I love mighty, which does not matter who would listen to my prayer. They know well what I want. They are testing me right now. One day, all of them would come to rescue me. They might come to hide in my place because of scared of humans. I will hide all almighty into my basement and in my heart. I also have the right to fight with them”.
Suddenly something comes into her brain, “ Abu, almighty knows what I want, but you don’t know about it.”
She looked up at the sky but could not see any shining star because of dark clouds. She looked around, but only one face come in front of her. She started to cry, “Abu, I want you to come. I miss my bubby, and I want you to wake him up. Can you be kind enough to tell him that his Munna still waiting for him? I know he will listen to you. Abu, Do I need him? I have learned how to live without him. I breathe, which means I am alive. I always see him. I can still remember his face. I can still remember each conversation or moment I have spent with him. His voice still echoes in my soul. It is not PTSD. Do you remember what he said once, “It does not matter where we live, we meet or not, but our love will remain alive? Nobody could separate our souls”. Do you think Abu, he also feels like me?
She looked around and continued talking with Abu, “sometimes, I get angry and sometimes, I get so sad. I always wanted to live the quality of life. I have not expected this life. I am in pain. You can only understand my pain. Can you call me back, please? I miss him. I miss talking to him. Can you believe that I am not allowed to write to him, either? I am really confused. I need your help. Only you could help me. There are many people in the valley, but there are no men left there. People have become so selfish. People have changed a lot since you had gone”
She continued writing to her Abu, “seriously, soldier boy, even wicked people used to have the honesty or some rules, but now everything is going down to hell. People say that my life is so good, or they give me much free advice, which I take it and appreciate their support. Abu, do you think this is called life, “work 12 hrs., drive for many hours, and then sleep for 4 hrs., and next day circle starts again”. Is this called a life? I often write to some people, but I never get responses. They think that I am a dame crazy person. Abu and my bubby know that why I have become like this. You are dead, and his soul is dead.”
She smiled, “I have seen many people who feared. However, my bubby is the worse one. No, he is not scared or afraid. There is also one reason why he had decided to leave me. I cannot tell in the letter, but I will tell you in your ears”.
Abu, I had emailed to my boss last night. I requested him to ship my dead body to PCR Srinagar if I die fighting with this stupid virus. He has already built my grave and waiting for my dead body. Abu, do you think this virus is punishment for the so-called humanity”.
Abu, I feel so alone without him. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do. I need your help to wake up my bubby. Do you think one day he will act as a man and take his responsibility? Do you think Allah would remind him that it is a time to fulfill the promise which he did by sworn to Allah? I don’t know, but I am confused. I don’t know who I should trust and what I should do. I wish he had shot me that day. I won’t be writing this letter. I could be a pain-free now.
Abu people say, “he is a very strict administrator, but he has a soft corner which only I know. Can you believe that he never yelled at me for making mistakes? He fed me with his hands, and he used to comb my hair, and used to make a coffee for me, and pack my luggage. He has a very kind heart, but there is also a dark spot on his heart. Everybody has some types of demons. I have mine, and he has his demons, and you used to have yours. Don’t tell me soldier boy who did not have demons. You had demons to hunt the bad people. My bubby has a different demon, and I have my demons. I feel orphans without him”.
My dear soldier boy, I need you. I feel alone in this world. I want you to come down to the earth and wake up the sleeping soul of my bubby. Only one Khan could do this courage, and this is you. The rest of Khan and Pathan are just the name.

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