This is my last letter to you. I have written many letters to Almighty before but never written to the specific Almighty. Day by day, I am getting confused. I start to become a rebel. I am not against anybody, but I am becoming more rebellious to my own beliefs and Faith. Nobody knows me better than you. I was a little kid when I start believing in you
My belief in you was so strong but I am continued to lose my faith in you and myself. I start blaming you for my suffering. I have tremendous belief and trust in you since I was a little girl. I was not born as a Muslim, but you had given me a life again, as I was told. Does my faith in you have led me into this situation?.
No, I am not upset or angry at anybody. Humans make mistakes, so my loving man has made a mistake, but he knew well the consequences of his mistake. I had made many mistakes too.
I don’t know what have written in the Quran or teaching of Islam. I know what my heart says, “the man should stand with his woman who is his wife or lover. He should treat equally to both. Islam says the woman is born from the ribs of the man. So, the man should not make his woman cry because each tear fell off from her eyes, is counted by the God”
Dear Allah, It is more than a year now. I am afraid of God only. I am not responsible to answer anybody. Once my bubby has told me that I owe him an answer. However, he has run away like a coward when his turn came to answer me. I live in pain which become so intense now. I often go to the mosque, but I never get out of my car. You know very well why I don’t get out of the car.
Dear Allah, “Yes, my feelings and love for him are pure. Of course, he has given me a lot of love and affection, but he also has given me pain which don’t have any cure. I am the only one know my pain. I know how much I am in the pain. Nobody can imagine the intensity of my pain.
After reading this letter, people may curse me. But it is none of anybody’s business. I am also your daughter like other Muslim women. Nobody could judge me for fighting with you. Nobody could dare to ask why I am losing faith in you. Nobody could ask why I am blaming you. I am blaming you because I have faith in you. I love you, and I respect you.
Daughter respect and love her father because he keeps her secure and safe. The father is responsible for keeping her daughter happy. Prophet Mohammad said, “Fatima is a part of me, and he who makes her angry makes me angry.”
I am angry today. I am not mad at any human. I am angry at you. You know why I am angry at you. Now it is your job to find out who has made your daughter angry. Don’t you want to know why your daughter is angry and in agony?
Islam says the man is accountable for each teardrop from his woman’s eyes. The man should treat all women with the same respect. He should treat with equality. Can you ask your man why he over-ruled your teaching?
I will be leaving for an unknown destination after writing my letter to you. I don’t feel afraid of death or anything. I am gone above the fear. What or why someone would kill me if I say my Allah is not great anymore. I do have a right to fight with you. I have respected and loved you more than so-called radicalized Muslim people. Why your daughter is suffering today?
I have respected you and my Babaji at the same level. My father is not alive now, so tell me where I should go for help. Tell me, Almighty, who should have asked my bubby in the absence of my father, “why he has left her crying and dying?” Why have you not treated me with the same equality? My Babaji’s door is open to people of different faiths. Why have you shut your door on me?
I already stop asking people for any kind of help. People talk a lot but nobody can help me. Can you believe it when I ask for help from anybody what they expect from me? It is ashamed. Thank God, Almighty, I live in the USA, which I call my safe house.
Everyone on this planet knows how much I hurt, but not you. Why are you hiding? Are you just busy looking at certain people? If so, still, you are not doing your job correctly? I am so angry today. I am also crying, but I won’t ask for any help. I was not born like a beggar, but your man has made me beg from everyone. Is this my fault that I love him. It is your fault. You should alert me by saying, “Munna stay away from this person. He won’t stay by you when you would need him. You have hurt enough in your life. This man doesn’t deserve you”.
How you can expect me that my Babaji could help me. I have loved you and Islam in my entire life. How can you expect my Babaji will clean my tears? Do your work and clean my tears because this is your job. Just don’t sit and wait for others.
The skin underneath my eyes has become so thin because of crying all the time. I have a lot of tears in my eyes and my heart, but there is no more skin left under my eyes to bear the weight of my tears. My soul continues to die every day and has become useless to tolerate anything. People feel sorry to see my tears and my sky-reaching screams, but you also have become deaf and blind like my bubby. Who should I blame you or him?
My soul cries every day. My life has taken away from me. Do you have any idea of how I live every second of my life? I want you to live one day of my life, then talk to me.
I don’t kill people. I don’t harm people. I even ask for the goodness of people who hurt me. Have you ever heard if I ever curse my so-called sister even I die every day? She used me like a puppet. She has played with my emotions. She made many promises with me, but she took my bubby away from me. Do you remember when the valley was shut down, and everyone’s future was in your hand? I was sitting here and thinking about how to take my sister out from there. How I will keep her safe? Can you ask her why she took my happiness away? Can you ask why she is so greedy? Forget me, but ask her why she has killed the mother of two fatherless children. Can you Almighty tell her why her son Inayat’s soul comfort me?
People say, “Allah is great.” Do your people have to prove the love for you? Do only humans have to show their obligations and love for you? Why don’t you do it for me? I want you to take responsibility for me and my pain. I want you to show your power, so your daughter never cries again. I want you to make a mother alive who is killed by a so-called Muslim. I want you to tell my Babaji that,” she is also my daughter, and I will clean her tears.”
My blood boils when I see someone talking against Islam. I do my best to help your followers even they treat me like an outsider. Does anybody has born as a warrior or brave enough in Islam who can come forward to clean your daughter’s tear? No, they cannot. Only brave ones are gone to my Babaji side. My Abu has lost his battle today. Do you know writing this letter, I have killed my Abu again today? I have ruined his belief and faith today. I don’t like my Abu anymore. That is your fault too. Why he did not slap on my face and told me that,” just go to your Babaji’ house”.
I just want to let you that I love my bubby. For others, he is a senior superintendent of police, SSP Altaf Ahmed Khan, but for me, he is my life. He is my real diamond, and he is my soul husband. He has respected and loved me, and he has called me his wife. He used to get upset if I ever teased him said If I were his girlfriend or something else. Can you wake up his memory?
Khuda gawah hai meri us pak mohabbat ka. You are the witness of my love.
I am your daughter, so I will let you decide on my karma. I will let you determine the fate of my love. Nothing left inside of me since he has abandoned me. I beg you to return my love. Please, give my life back or take me away from this world. I am not asking materialism. I am asking my love back. I want my birthplace back. I want you to clean my tears. I want you to give your daughter justice. I had tried to kill myself eight times, and I survived six car accidents in the last 1.5 years. No, I won’t try again. I will live in this pain. I am going back to my cave. I will leave some memories for him on my blog. I want you to bring the courage in my man to keep his promise. I want you to remind who he is for me. What did he use to say? Nobody would trust you if your daughter left this world without justice. People will lose trust in each other and in you. Nobody would believe in love if your daughter dies crying.
I want you to end my pain. Either call me back or give my love back. I have given you options, and now your turn to chose. Remember, on judgment day, I will ask many questions from you, and you would lose the right to ask anything from me.
Dear Allah, your daughter is in bad shape. She needs your help. I am not 100% perfect. I do make mistakes. Demons live inside of me, who always bring the truth out of me. I could be the happiest person if I should have lied or should have kept my mouth shut. I am not angry at those who could not help me. I have a right to get upset at you and My Bubby because you both are mine. I don’t care what people say. He is proud of my life. He is a satisfaction of my soul.
Everything is taken away from me. Don’t give this type of painful life even to the devils because it hurt a lot. I want you to provide justice to the little girl. I don’t need anything else. If you cannot help your daughter, I want you to teach those people a lesson who has used my feelings or used my weakness. I want you to show them the pain I live in.
I will be gone soon. But this letter will remain alive on my website. You will decide my fate. I am tired of fighting with my destiny. Your man has defeated me. I will go back in my cave. The blood of the warrior runs in my veins. My bubby lives in my soul. My life is controlled by you, almighty.
Can you remind my man those moments? We were going from Pahalgam to Gulmarg. I still remember the exact place when he asked me, who would you choose if Abu come. I remember telling him,” I will choose you, bubby.” I am keeping my word. He is not only my love, but he is also my satisfaction. He is everything to me. I am an orphan again without him. How someone calls our love as lust or greed when he has given me a love of the father, brother, sister, uncle, Abu, and mom. How someone could call this type of love sin or lust?
I need my old bubby back. I am not upset at him at all. He thought about himself, but I thought about others.
I don’t have much time left. I don’t want to live in agony. He has taken my pride and my love away. I am continued to grieve. I have never reached the final phase of my grieving process. I am in chakravyuh. I want you to take me out of this circle. I want you to make me a free soul again. My soul is stuck in the middle of nowhere, which is trying to find him.
Please, Almighty, wake My Bubby. Give him the courage to come forward. Good or bad, he is the love of my life. Do I have to tell you about it? No, you know everything.
Don’t make me the cause that people would lose trust in you. All I need my love, Valley, hope, and my life back, which I deserve. I will let you decide how. I am like a rebel little girl who is sitting outside the house; the door is open but she refuse to go inside. She continues looking at her father to come out and hold her finger to take her inside. You are my father, and I am your daughter. I am rebel and stubborn who won’t go anywhere but continued to stare at you until you give your daughter justice. So do the job of being a father. I have done already done mine. I will leave the memories on my blog if you and your man need help to awake your memories. I will be waiting for the Justice, which does not matter how long it would take. I won’t talk to you until you give me justice. I really miss my bubby and the beautiful Valley. Nobody will trust and believe you if your daughter lives in agony.
Waiting for justice and love