The Rebellion

woman wearing black hoodie
Photo by Victor Miyata on

The first time, her rebellion behavior had come out after the death of Abu. She left the town not to go back again. She went a couple of times but never stepped into the city. She always looked toward the city from a distance with her empty eyes. It was not her town’s fault, but she had redirected her anger. She was angry but did not know why she was angry.
She had become a rebel. She had rebelled against her desires and happiness. The time had not healed her, but the love of her man helped her to heal.
He helped her to heal. He also knew the truth that she will be shattered entirely without him. The man knew how to control her rebel behavior. He knew how she could react if he left her. He often was worried about it. He knew her future without him. He knew well that she wouldn’t be able to tolerate another attack on her soul. The man knew how much she loves him. The man was her strength. He knew well how to control her demons.
She thought that she will never break emotionally. She had not broken when Abu’s blood splatter over her face. She had not broken when she was abused emotionally and physically. She never thought about breaking bad like now. After he was gone away from her life, She came to know how much she loves him.
He is gone, and she becomes rebellious again. Nobody is there to control her rebel behavior. The demons inside of her mind come out often, which forces her more toward the rebellion behavior.
She comes out of her cave often and tries to find him. She looks for him, but he continues to go away from him. Almighty knows the power of her love, which always makes a way to convey her message to her loving man. She often tries to wake up his soul. Usually, she thinks, “you can wake up the soul of a person if his soul has slept. It is not easy to wake up the soul of a weak person. Only almighty will help in this case”.
She often fights with the people. There is no reason for getting mad at them. She usually keeps telling people even they don’t like to talk with her, “I miss my bubby. I need to talk to him”. They often give her a silent treatment. No, she was not this type of person. She never asked anybody’s help. Now, she has beg from others for his love.
Her rebel behavior is noted by the people who know her very well. She rebels against the injustice. She rebels against her happiness and desires. She yelled at one of her nurses who know her for a long time. She heard the nurse talking to the other nurse, “she has changed a lot. He should not have done it. He will pay for her suffering one day”.
She just yelled at her nurse,” you don’t have a right to say anything to him. I am the only one who can curse him otherwise nobody else. Take your bad words back and apologize”.
She tells herself, “I don’t need fake mercy from others.”

The people who care about her often hold their heads,” what we should do to make her understand that he has gone forever. Be selfish like the rest of the world”.
She often apologizes for disturbing others. But the demons live in her heart, which always forces her toward him. She often thinks, “I don’t need mercy or don’t need pity. I want to live in this miserable pain. I don’t want to hurt anymore. How I will hurt more if I am hurting already. My suffering and pains are his punishment”.
She refuses to listen to what people say for her welfare. They concern about her rebel behavior. The other day her director called after the incident with the nurse, “I will continue doing my duties to keep real you alive. Can you make little effort to help yourself”?

“No, I don’t need your help. I am an orphan without him. I need to stay like this. My bubby has given me this miserable life as a gift, so I won’t let it go. I need to live in this pain”.
Often she fights with her family,” can you be a real Khan? I need my bubby. I want you to bring him back”.
Yes, she is transferred to another facility where nobody knows about him. Nobody knows what her real personality was and what tornadoes came in her life that her life has shattered in 2 hrs. The director told her that just tell everyone that he is dead.

She asks her boss, “Why I have to lie? He is not dead. He is alive. I will just say that he has left me. He is a non-compliance husband”. She laughs hysterically after saying, ‘non-compliance husband’. This is a good term to describe him.
Her demons go away for an awhile. She refuses to listen to others and says, “I am born to suffer. I had fought with God a lot in the past. I won’t fight with Almighty anymore. He wants me to stay in pain so I will accept his decision”.
Sometimes, she has to give bad news to the patient’s family. In her entire career, she cried once when a stepfather killed a month old girl. She did her best to save the infant, but the child had died already a couple of hrs ago. Afterward, she never complained and cried. It was her profession, and she was doing her job. Now, she cries when she talks to someone’s loved one, “sorry, we have tried our best but ..”. Her tears come automatically. She cries for her loss while the others cry for their loss.
“I will live in pain. You guys can leave me too. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am good at writing. I believe in God. He once sent My Bubby in my life, and he will do it again. Yes, he will be back one day, or he will order to shoot me if he could not come. I will be mean to everyone. But Almighty will send him back to protect me”.
Next moments, she laughs again, “People never return once they are gone. I just keep lying to myself that he would come back. He does come but in my dreams. I am happy with that”.
She refuses to cry in front of others. She has learned to conceal her tears behind her fake smile. Desires and Dreams are dead since he has gone. She looks at the Babaji picture with some deep thoughts but with an empty look. She does not know what she wants anymore, but she has left almighty to decide it.

3 thoughts on “The Rebellion

  1. You see this as rebellion, but it could be that another stage of grief has arrived in the form of anger. That is a good thing as long as you are not doing harm. Blessings, Munna Sara. God has not forgotten you. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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