I don’t know how to do the prayer for you. Abu never taught me how to pray. I observed his prayers and even asked him to teach me. But, he always ignored me that I honestly don’t know why. Almighty, my Abu, was a real Khan and Pathan. He knew well that he would not be able to protect me, so he honored the pride of a woman. He respected the honor of a woman. He was a real Pathan and Muslim. I had started to believe in Islam at a young age.
I did not know what is the difference between the religions or faith was. I did what I was told to do it as a little girl.
Dear Allah, it is not a matter of my love for him. It is a matter of my belief in Islam and Allah. I had lived in my cave of isolation for decades. I came out of my cave, and I met the love of my life. I do love him from the bottom of my heart. There is nothing else. It is just soul to soul love and nothing else. I am willing to return to hell or heaven if you will decide it for me or if you think I am wrong. I am a human who makes mistakes. I had made my mistakes to bring the truth forward. Now, I am being punished for that mistake.
I have lost my desire to live. I am just here waiting for you to call me back. I will go wherever you want me to go, but please keep me away from the Khan tribe. The reason is apparent. One khan has not protected my pride and love. Now, I don’t ask him to defend me or save me. I ask directly from you to protect the woman who always has a firm belief in you. I swear to you that I don’t need anything else. I just need the love of my man who has abandoned me. Call me back in hell or heaven if you cannot believe in me. Right now, I live a life worse than hell without him.
Dear almighty, I swear to you and my Babaji that I am done with this life. However, I can not abandon my duties of being a mother. Otherwise, I don’t have the desire to live. I could have ended my life. I want you to make me free of the responsibility of the mother and call me back. I am tired of asking your man now. I am asking directly from you. I want you to give me justice. People won’t believe you if you fail to provide the judgment for your daughter.
I won’t ask you why you have created feelings in me, why you have sent a man who was not able to protect your believer. Are you a fake? Are you Almighty? I am tired of deciding it. Now, it is your turn to show the truth.
My dear almighty, why you have sent the man who could not take the responsibility of being a man. Why do I have to fight? Why does my loving and trustable man has gone away from his duties? I am asking directly from you. I am not begging a human to give me justice. I am asking directly from you to end my suffering. It does not matter who I am. It does matter what your righteousness is.
I came out of the cave, and he was waiting for me. He should have told me right away that he does not love me. He should not give me a dream. He should not have created desires and ideas inside of me. You are also responsible for this. You knew that he could hurt me. He could fail to fulfill the responsibility of being a man and Khan.
Don’t you know my brutal ill past? Did I forget to tell him about my brutal ill past? No, I had told him, but he still abandoned me. I am asking you today. Why he left me? Why he took responsibility which he could not do it. Are you failed, or he failed you? I am asking this question directly from you being a vulnerable woman who trusts you. Why have you not sent someone else than him? Why you had not sent the different person to hold my hand instead of him when I came out of my cave of isolation.
Don’t you agree if he had not met me? I could be happy with somebody else. It is your fault, Allah. I am sorry for being straightforward and blunt. However, I am born this way. I am raised this way. My Abu had told me to trust Allah and I did it. Now, it is your turn to prove the truth.
I swear to Allah and Babaji both that I need to stay away from Khan tribe. It was not my fault to love the man. It is your fault that has created a love for him in my mind. The human could have options or choices and errors to make but you cannot do it. why you have created a trust in me? why you have made me believe you if you had not enough power to protect your believer.
I want you to pay attention to my prayer today. I want you to have a few seconds to think about me. Tell me what I had done wrong. The person who used me as a puppet is happy and making fun of me, “you could not do it. Almighty always listened to a con artist, but refused to listen not a woman who wants to sacrifice everything for love”.
I am not a woman of pride. I am a woman who believes in Islam, but I always get treatment of being an outsider. May I ask why? Why are your doors are closed on this orphan? Why are you quiet? I need an answer now. What is my fault that I love someone from the bottom of my heart? Does this is not approved in a Khan tribe or your kingdom? I am not sure who I should blame. So I always ended up blaming myself.
I hope that you have a few minutes to believe in my soul.