Outside there is a snow blizzard. She is not excited anymore to see her favorite weather. She sits quietly. She was not always like this. People never avoided her as they do now. Once she was the happiest child and then the happiest woman. People loved her. Everyone loved being around her. Everyone loved talking to her. She has always spoken with her heart. People always commented to her, “you say whatever your heart thinks. You speak with your heart”. She always said, “Yes, you should speak with your heart. Your thoughts get twisted when you speak with your brain”.
Her childhood was so imaging. But, she enjoyed the life which she had spent with him. He loved her a lot. He is always so nice to him. But, she thinks, “there was only love otherwise nothing else between them, but it is taken away due to greed, selfishness, cowardliness, cleverness, and lies. Maybe the Almighty could not see my happiness. I will blame almighty only”.
She often gets confused, “I still don’t believe it. I don’t know if I was dreaming when he was with me or if I am dreaming now when he is not with me”.
Often people would ask her, “How is your hubby doing?” People had seen the brightness in her eyes when she talked about him. People had seen the glow on her face. She often thinks, “I was his angel, and he is my almighty. I was his princess. I was the luckiest person spending each movement of life with him”.
She still laughs. You can still see the brightness in her eyes when she talks about him. She smiles when she thinks about good days with him. It does not matter if the brightness and smile have always been followed by a flood of tears and sadness. All she can afford is to laugh for a few seconds after a couple of weeks. She remembers those days when he used to feed her with his hands and pack her luggage and comb her hair. She was never good at fixing her clothes. Sometimes her pants will fall down her waist. Sometimes the sleeve of the pant will be stuck somewhere on her mid-calf. She is modest and doesn’t like to expose herself, so she always uses the first layers of clothes. He used to fix her clothes,” it is too loose. Why don’t you fix them”.
She still smiles when she remembers all those things. She loved it because he brought her childhood back. He was the first one after a long time who cared about her. It was a wonderful movement in her life with him. She often told him, “I miss my mommy or daddy or Abu.” He was like this,” they are gone. I am here for you. I won’t leave you. Nobody could convince me to leave you behind”.
Building the house on the top of the mountain, she often asked him, “Is this my home, Bubby. Will someone throw me out of this?”. He always said, “No, this is yours. Nobody will take you out. It is for you to come live directly here”. She used to get excited,” yep, okay, I will cook for you. We will sit in Varanda to drink tea. We will have to keep some dogs. I will keep them inside the house but not outside as you did with Guddi. We will go for a long walk. I love walking in the forests. I like to talk with birds. I love nature”. She would continue talking to him. Their conversation was always gone more than hours long.
She was happy that her bubby was building a hut for her. She wanted to stay in the hut because she was a private person. Both had respected each other a lot. There was more respect than love in their relationship. The man could not stop her humiliation when the time came. All her privacy was taken away from her. She could not keep his privacy either. Now she thinks, “No, there was no way to keep his privacy or respect. I don’t care about myself. Nobody had given me a chance. He did not give me a chance. It is too late. Everything is shattered. I could be stupid, but how could you be a coward”.
Her thought always gets fixed, “when and how a person entered into her brain and got all the information by being nice to me which had lead to blackmail later. Respect and privacy did not matter anymore. It had become a matter of life and freedom. Does he ever think about what happened? People say his soul might be dead, so he does not care how she lives in misery”. She thanks God, “Thank you for keeping him happy and healthy. I am stronger than him, so please give me all his misery, pain, and sickness”.
Often her inner voice asks, “How about your happiness.” The tears welled in her eyes and soul, “Maybe in the next life.” She continued thinking about the safety and welfare of others. She finds herself alone when it comes to her safety and welfare. She tells herself, “Ha, you are an orphan, so nobody is here to think about you, so suck it up.” She listens to her inner voice.
She remembers, “Every morning, I made a special coffee for us- homemade bru espresso. He loved it. We used to watch TV all day long. I went down to prepare coffee at around 4 am every day. He will count the train compartment sitting by the window. Banny will just be next to him”.
She still looks at the kitchen counter where he sits and reads his book when she cooks the food. Due to the 12-hour-long shift and a long commute, she does not have much time to cook. But she always had desired to cook for him; she cooked all her favorite dishes. She loved doing it. It made her so happy whenever she did any tiny things for him because it was full of love and desires. The little and tiny things always make her happy. He often called her “My Lady.” He always told her she was a perfect woman. She always has pride in him. She trusted him more than the almighty. She used to think, “everybody will leave me, which I don’t care about. My bubby is a brave man and doesn’t need anybody else. My bravo will always protect me”. Now she thinks that the art and action of the stringers were more powerful than her love and his bravery which has shattered her life.
Afterward, her broken soul continues to be shattered every single day. Everybody came to attack her, and she allowed them because her bravo had abandoned her. All paths going toward him were heavily barricaded, but she continued to make her way to fight for her love because it was her first and last love. The woman fought alone and continues to fight until now. Everything changed around her, but why did her feelings and love have not changed toward him? Almighty may know the answer to why it has not changed.
The scheduler always asked about the vacation request in advance. However, she always got priority. Everyone knew how she waited for him. How eagerly she wants to meet him. Her bubby was everything she meant to her. She worked hard all day long. Everybody’s vacation always gets canceled when they know she will visit him or he will come to the USA to meet him.
No doubt he was her strength, but she often wonders why I have lost without him. Nothing left. No privacy, no love, and no feelings, no desires, and no hopes. Few things had been lifted behind, such as disappointment, avoidance, and humiliation,
This is called life. It’s a modern but dark era.