I have always heard that the deer have beautiful eyes, but I never have seen directly into the eyes of this beautiful creature of God until last winter. Then, in my native country, I heard people comparing the beautiful girls’ eyes with the eyes of the deer. I love animals and birds. I think they have more humanity than humans.
My children have wide dark black eyes. Once my friendly neighbor described my son’s eye as “Killer Eyes.” My neighbor jokingly told me many times, “I would need to lock up my three girls inside the house when they grow up because of your son.” She doesn’t have to worry about it anymore because we have moved to a different state. But, of course, she was right because my kids have beautiful eyes. I was always proud of their beautiful wide eyes and long eyelashes. But, my pride was gone; the day I saw the beautiful eyes of a dying deer.
One winter night, the visibility was very poor due to heavy snow falling. I was driving back from my work around 3 am. Of course, the snow removal vehicles had not come toward the countryside road yet because they were so busy cleaning the city roads. Who should I blame now? The deer has the strength to run so fast. Should I blame the almighty for why he has given the deer so much strength to run fast? Should I blame my karma for snatching away my life, and my mind was so stressed out? or should I blame the city for not cleaning the countryside roads? I was so busy in my thoughts that I did not know that the deer would come from nowhere. Or It was the night that the deer was supposed to die. Why did he choose me to kill him? Now, I often ask those questions myself.
Just a few yards away from my home, the country road is not wide enough. I was driving slowly due to the heavy snow and zero visibility. Suddenly, I saw the deer running from one side of the road and trying to cross the road. He was too fast. He did not give me a chance to blink my eyes. So, how could I have suddenly put the brake on my vehicle? It could be very dangerous when you suddenly try to break the brake while snowing or raining. There is always ice underneath the fresh snow, which is much more dangerous than the snow itself. Heavy snow has been falling for the past four days, so the roads were not very safe. The deer managed to hit himself with the front bumper of my car even though he was running faster. He was just a nanosecond late crossing the road, which cost his life. The impact was so strong because one side of the front bumper had fallen off.
I saw him flowing toward the side of the road. I immediately stopped my car and called 911. Then, I went to search for him in the ditch.
I was so nervous. It did not make any sense to the dispatcher. She thought my car had hit somebody. She was unsure if I said a human or a deer. I also confused her with my statement, “I think I have just killed somebody with my car.” She immediately placed the call to the police and firefighters. I could not tell them my location, but they found their way to locate me.
I did not wait for the emergency response team. I found the deer who was still alive in the ditch. He was still breathing but was not restless at all. He was lying on the ice while the snow was falling on him. First, I thought that the snow might slow down his blood circulation, which would help prevent him from bleeding excessively. I held him in my lap. I searched his body with my phone’s flashlight to find any blood or injuries. There was no trace of blood on his body. I wrapped him in my cashmere and wool-blend coat. While waiting for the cops to arrive, I kept his head on my thigh. I started to comfort him. I had started to cry and asked for sorry from him. I don’t know whether he was a boy or a girl, but I called him “Deer Boy.” I used to call my doggy “Banny Boy.” He looked into my eyes. He looked very comfortable.
I massaged his head and kissed him multiple times while talking to him,” I am so sorry, boy. I did not see you. Please forgive me. I lost my Banny boy a few months ago, and I have just lost my beloved bubby. Can you forgive me? I am not in my full sense due to my recent losses. You can imagine how painful it is to lose everything, whatever we had. Don’t die. Please wait for the help.”
Maybe God was busy saving someone else at that time. Cops and ambulances also arrived late due to the snow. Or it was really his time to die. Or I am supposed to be the reason for his death. So, the deer with the beautiful eyes had taken his last breath in my lap. Firefighters, an ambulance crew, and a cop had arrived after the beautiful creature had already gone to the almighty. The young cop was very well known to me. He laughed hysterically when he saw me crying for the dead deer. Well, they did not mind making jokes either. One of them said, “do you want to take the deer to your emergency room?” While another said: “Oh, you might know who the neurosurgeon and trauma surgeon is on-call today. Can you call them while we take the deer to your department? He might need a couple of surgeries”. I kissed the deer again and told him, “say hi to my Banny and Inayat Boys. I am really sorry, boy.”
After calling the emergency crew “Cruel and Bad People,” I left the scene. All of them knew me very well. Suddenly, they realized that their sense of humor did not help me. The young cop said, “Hey doc, you go home and get some rest. It is very cold here. You may need to go to work in the morning”. I did not want to leave the beautiful deer dead all night long in the minus degree temperature. The cop may have sensed my mind, and he told me: “I will call the animal emergency services right now.”
Twenty minutes after I arrived home, my doorbell rang, and the young cop was on my doorstep holding my coat. He told me that the animal emergency services came to pick up the deer. He also provided me with their number to follow up. I know the young cop was just trying to comfort me. He knew me well. He came to rescue me when my car had gone into a ditch due to snow. He knew how I might be feeling. The person who spent her entire night saving others’ lives has just killed a beautiful creature accidentally. I filled his coffee mug with a warm coffee and reminded him, “Officer, I will be fine. Please go and help other needy people on the road”.
The next day, I dropped my coat off for dry cleaning at the cleaner. I don’t mind reusing it this winter because the beautiful deer had taken his last breath in the coat. Of course, both my kids laughed, looking at my damaged car the next day. Now often, the beautiful eyes of the deer and his dying face come in front of me when I drive in the snow. I can not say anymore that I have not killed an animal. Maybe it was God’s desire. However, I will never forget those beautiful eyes and the soft touch of his face and head.
I called and continued to call him “boy,” but it was dark even though I did not know whether the deer was a girl or a boy. However, I know he was a beautiful creature that was created by an almighty, and humans had called him “a deer.”
He often comes in my prayer now,” God, please let him rest in peace. Make him an angel like my Ina and Banny boy. Please allow him to join me as my angel. I am responsible for sending him to heaven”.
It also raises the question that one of my ancestors was a great hunter because two heads with antlers of two deer were in my ancestor’s living room kept as a “showpiece.”
God Bless his beautiful soul.