I appreciate everybody who follows my blog. I am thankful to all those bloggers whose posting I read. I read and I try to learn something from every post. I have learned and received so much support from Nora, the church lady. I never met her but I feel she know me very well. She always supports my thoughts with the teaching of Jesus. Steve and Muffin always take me to my dreamland because of their love for the country. Yonnie’s poem shows me some strength. Pankaj of Sharma Ji solution is my town boy, we did have a disagreement at the beginning which is resolved now. I don’t blame him because we are both hotheaded from the same town. Reading his posts takes me to my countryside house which is not anymore the countryside though. The campfire brothers take me to old history storytellers. I hated history when I was in school but I love reading now. Everyone is a great individual who writes it on the blog. Everybody has their own faith and belief but they share the common thing which is called the reality or truth. I am not sure if the writer is emotional or it is just humanity that is still hidden in some soft corners. Humanity has lost in the real world but I can easily find it on the blog when I read some posts. I appreciate the Rising star for motivating others. Each of you guys is unique individual and has a lot of knowledge. Please, spread the knowledge, love, and peace. Believe me, at the end of the day, your quote won’t be empty instead it will be more doubled and blessed with peace, love, and knowledge. Finally, I appreciate Salman Wani of Kash Voice whose poems take me back to the valley which is my birthplace.
My new blog mates don’t know me who I am. Of course, my old blog mates know me very well. A year ago, I could pass by you without saying a thank you, or hello, or hi. The blog was a different thing, I never have spoken to anybody. At work, I was friendly with everybody but there were always some limits when it comes to personal conversation. I have always contributed to conversation which was related to the work. I used to hear all the gossip while we had at a free time but I never participated. My time, words, and all conversation was reserved for one person only. I had never talked to my janitor staff or any security personnel. They often wished me a good morning or good day. It depended on my mood if I wanted to answer it or not. I just used to walk by them by not saying a single word. It was not my fault because I was raised like this.
In my childhood, Nobody could shut my mouth. I had continued to talk or I had to do some weird things otherwise I will be awake all night. I was a little girl who was just careless about what was happening around her. I just wanted to play and do some naughty things or drive people nuts. I did not mind sitting by Baru Baba, the only person from low caste I was allowed to talk. Did I follow my mother’s rule? No, never. She knew it well. Yes, I did follow my father’s rule which is continue to the date. No doubt, I have suffered many times following his rules but I am proud of it. His rules were very simple: Honesty, truth, hard work, and be brave. Yes, I had paid a big price for it, but I will use it again. I can imagine those 16 years of life. how wonderful and magical life was that. Born with a silver spoon in your mouth won’t change your fate. I had stopped talking when my Abu( soldier boy ) was died fighting for his country and his blood was shattered all over on my face. This was the time when I stopped talking. Nobody told me that day, “Munna shut your mouth and stop crying at the same time”. My mother who always used to get upset at me, “Munna, why you talk too much. Can you just quiet for a few seconds. This is not good for the girl talking too much”. The same mother died requesting me, “I want you to talk. why are you silent”. But mother did know I talk to only one person.
My quiet phase was continued until I have met the love of my life after struggling with life. I talked to him all the time. I talked to him about what I could not talk for a decade. He waited for my shift to end. Exactly, at 7 am, he would call me to talk. He never stopped calling until I answered his phone. Sometimes, I had texted back to tell him, “I am trying to save somebody’s life or I am in the middle of endorsing my patients to next doc”. A year ago, The darkness had entered into my life again. I had to compromise my father’s principles to save the life of my loving man. He is gone from my life a year ago. Does he really go away? No, he still lives inside of my soul. Our love was a pure divine without any lust. It was a more emotional attachment. He is still my soul love. I was left with a few options which I had chosen to save the love of my life. I did become a puppet which was not part of my personality but I had to become a puppet.
My mouth is shut forever again now. Sometimes, many weeks or months will go before I talk to somebody face to face or on the phone. However, I know it is important for me to verbalize my feeling. I still don’t talk to anybody but I express myself through my words. I hide my voice behind those words. I am a writer now. My fate have brought me to write on the blog to express myself. Now, I asks the guards whenever I get a chance, “How is your day”. Now, you can find me easily talking to the housekeeper asking if he needs any help. The blog is the only option left to verbalize my feelings. Many people want to talk with me, but I just walk by them. No, I am not racist. I am a free spirit who likes to stand by the people who suffer. It does not matter if they are Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, or Christian. I am standing now with 200 million Muslims in India because they are not being treated well. Don’t get surprised if you will find me tomorrow standing with the Hindu population if they will not get the right treatment.
I am not anti-social. I am just afraid to get attached to somebody. It hurts when the person leaves you. It took me a while to attach somebody after Abu died. I got hurt badly when the love of life was gone away because I was so attached to him. I have lost my hope, desires, dreams, and happiness. They are gone since the love of my life has gone. I am not sure if it was my fate or actions of my so-called sister or it was my man whom I love most. I take responsibility for my actions for speaking the truth. The person supposed to take responsibility next was failed to fight. So, I have decided to walk solo.
Last year this month, I was in my bad shape. I have already lost my credibility and reliability at my work. I had already committed suicide twice in the last 2 months. I was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD. I never consumed hard liquor before but I was taken to my own emergency department many times due to heavy alcohol intoxication. I used to have some wine on special occasions but I stopped drinking it because my loving man did not want me to drink wine. I had drunk enough and made a video of myself and sent it to him which he never received. His family never accepted me because I was not a Muslim. My family died a long time ago except one adopted sister and niece. They had given me a choice to choose him or them. I am not a coward person and my love is true so I had chosen him even I knew he was gone forever. I was shunned out of my family. I went back asking for help but all doors were shut down directly on my face. The woman is not allowed to express love in that part of the world openly but I did. Some people came to help and tried to advise me but they also have expectations from me. They give you one piece of advice but will ask five things back. Do I need those family who only knows how to take but not give away?.
In my entire valley, I have met one family. They are Khans whose Father was a freedom fighter. One son becomes militant and was killed by the forces. One son represents an Islamic political party and he is in a Tihar Jail. The chief of his family felt so bad for me that he tried to knock at my soul husband’s door but unfortunately, he could not meet him. He really felt bad and finally, he said, “I won’t let you go down. I will adopt you and bring you back to the valley until you fully recovered. I thought in my mind, why they have to suffer for me?. I don’t want the only man left in that family will rotten in prison cell or get killed due to me”. I walked out of the family.
By the end of July, I already had 5 car accidents but was very minor. My suicide number was climbed up to 8 times by then. Some of them did a lot of damaged and some were minor. Yes, I had become delusional and did have hallucinations. In my delirium state, I had run downstairs while my stomach was full of multiple medications. I slipped and have done permanent damage to my cervical spine and my occipital brain. It was also a time when I had suffered a stroke and MI at the same time. My blood pressure was climbed above 224/140 which had caused the stroke and MI. Finally, it is lower down to 130/98 but with a bunch of medications. A year ago, I was only one prescription but now I don’t have any clue how many. Everybody advised me that the time will heal. Counseling will help me, and medication will help me. I always thinks, “My treatment is somewhere else hidden in the valley”.
A year is gone. My suicidal thoughts are gone. Mood fluctuates many times. Some times, I am depressed, sometimes, I act and feel normal. All left is a sad and aimless life without any desires, dreams, and hopes. All I have a great deal of fear. I count each a minute to live. I keep myself busy with media. Thanks, Nora for your wonderful support throughout the year. Thank to my mentor and my entire medical team who make every effort bring an old version of me. I am a creation of a man. Am I still grieving? Am I still sad? Am I still in pain?
Of course, I am still in my pain, still grieving, and of course, still sad which will continue with me to the grave. I still have hallucination but I see only one person wandering around me. I have a full control on my impulses. The people who went on my path could only understand my pain where I just came from. The blog is my only best friend now. I will be writing about my good memories.
At the end of my article, I really thank my so-called banker sister, “Thanks for telling me that there is a blog exist. Thanks for enlightening me to the new path but please stop blaming him, and take some responsibility of your actions. Don’t make more puppets. Don’t please make other to pull the trigger”
Yes, in Feb I will be back in the emergency room and trauma level one job.
I owe all my blogger mates for teaching and supporting me. I really appreciate for the support.
You are a wonderful group of people. Life is too short, so please bring peace together.
God bless all of you.