The Pain of Separation

Some old memories that help to live one day at a time

Destiny or fate or God, or some power change the direction of our life. Her destiny was changed a year ago. She has made many turns but is now stuck in a strange corner where it refuses to move in any direction. She is no longer standing confused at the four-way stop looking for the right direction to go. She does not look for any help either that someone would come and push her to the right path. Instead, she has pushed herself into the corner. She stands alone in the corner where nobody can see her. She cannot see anybody either because she is hidden in the corner. She can hear everything, but she has closed both ears. Sometimes, she laughs at herself, “Naturally getting blind and selectively getting deaf.” She does not run to find him. Her life-long search ended when she met him. It was returned temporarily when he was gone again, but now it is stuck in the corner forever.

Nothing could pull her out of the corner. She just sits quietly over there. Is she waiting for him to come? No, she did not wait for him to return. All she waits for is the special day of her life which she does not know when? People get tired of advising her to come out of the corner. You have a long life ahead of you. How long will you stand alone? She is stubborn as usual. How will she let somebody pull her out of that corner? she even refuses to almighty to pull her out of the corner. She says, “I feel safe and secure in the corner. Nobody will hurt me anymore. I love it”. Nobody can blame her.

Life has not changed at all. It has been stuck since he was gone a year ago. The year has passed, but her pain is still intense. Her suicidal and homicidal thoughts are gone. She can still see and feel his presence around him. She had tried to kill herself while trying to save him many times. Everything has changed around her. So far, the only thing that has not changed is her feelings and love for him. Sadly, she says, “It does not matter where we are. I will always be yours. It is okay if I don’t see you in this life. We will meet again in the next life. It does not matter if you are good or bad, but you are still the love of my life”.

There is no day or a minute or second in the year she has spent without thinking of him. This year has left many emotional or physical wounds that will never be healed. This year has passed in fear and nightmares. The remaining years will be passed like this. Sometimes, she watches him from a distance. Sometimes she sees his pictures. she remembers each minute both had spent together. She looks at the pictures every day. She read some clips he had written with a pen, took the pictures, and sent them to her.

Her world was small and happy before he came into her life. Her world had become happiest forever when he had been in her life. The small world has shrunk more since he has gone. The year is gone, but intense pain and an ocean of tears are still with her. Sometimes, she thinks, “I am not sure if you or I are tornadoes. I thought it was me. I was wrong. You came into my life and took everything away from me. You were brave enough to love me. You are a coward enough to protect your love”.

The tears start to shed when she thinks of her doggy boy. She tells him, “I have treated all children the same way. I love all our lives and dead children. But, there is still no matter of mine, yours, and ours. I miss hearing the conversation of my beautiful daughters. They used to make my day. I will be there to protect them if you cannot. But, I don’t trust you when it comes to protection”.

The new desires, hopes, and dreams came when he arrived in her life. Some were already there. She has killed all those desires, dreams, and hopes before hiding in the corner. She wrapped everything. Over the years, she killed her desires and hopes. She did a deep burial of what they dreamt of doing together.

She is hidden in the corner and supports herself, “This is the era of darkness. There is no value or respect for true love and feelings. I was not born to get my long-lost love back. I was born to pay for his sins. Sometimes we indeed pay the price for the sins of our loved ones. I could not live with you. I could not find your love. However, I will live the rest of my life with your name. One day, I will be buried with your name in the graveyard. What else do I need”.

Over the past years, she has insulted many people. Many have insulted her. She doesn’t have any hard feelings for anybody. The year showed her who would stand with her during her hardship. She always chose him over anybody else. He was, is, and will be her first priority. It does not matter to her if he could not stand by her. It does not matter to her if he had become a coward. She still chose him. Because of this, she insulted many people. What about the family who came to support her and has adopted her? But she often gets angry at them. She is angry and sad. She has admitted to her boss, “No, I am not ready to return to work permanently. I love my patients and cannot compromise anybody’s health. I will return when I feel safe to return”.
She gets easily angry and frustrated. She did not like it when somebody just tried to get a work note from her lying about his sickness. So she yelled at her patient, “You should be honest with me. You should tell me the truth, “I was not sick. I can lose my job if I don’t have a medical certificate”.
She doesn’t mind giving her autograph to save somebody’s job, but she doesn’t like someone lying. Later on, she realized she had never stressed like this or yelled at anybody before. It was all about lies that had made her scare the patient. Normally, she could have handled it differently. But, now, she is not the same person anymore.

A year ago, life was taken away from her. Now, she has found her corner to hide in. The year is gone, but the intense pain and tears are still there. The wounds are still open. The perfect woman is not perfect anymore.

12 thoughts on “The Pain of Separation

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