Daily Journal: Day 1

Can you believe that sometimes we protect our non-favorite person to protect our loved one? Life plays well with us. 

She often thinks, “why I was treated like this. What was my fault? I have loved someone. I have trusted him. I have faith in him. I have a love for him. He knew well I will break in many pieces. I got punished for speaking the truth. I could not lie certain things. On the top, he allowed people to humiliate me. He allowed people to torture me. Yes, I am a most stupid person on the earth who still loves him. My intentions were very clear. I jeopardized my life. I was called a traitor. I had given many names. Every single day, I was hammered. But I continue to protect him. He continued to ignore the facts. It could be handled easily if he had paid attention. I went everywhere to save him. I tried to save my love and relationship, and of course myself. Nobody is anybody. I came back in many pieces”. 

“There was no mom or dad or brother or father or a friend or anybody who could hold me or support me. I never needed anybody because he was everything to me. He left me crying. He left me saying,” I will come tomorrow”. It will be a year on 12/20/2019 when I talked to him last time. It will be a year when he last time fed me with his own hands. I had felt his love and affection during the storm. I had felt his caring behavior. He never came back but I am still waiting for him. I never stop crying. It still hurt. It hurt more when I find myself alone. People came and gone. Everyone wanted something but not ready to give away. 

I have a bad habit to see how much a person could go low. He often said,” you are a Kamini”. 

Should I call Abu to ask him, “Abu, Abu, Can you be kind enough to ask my hubby bubby to be a nice person? Should I ask my father, “Dad, can you ask him why he used your little daughter’s emotion. Can I wake up my uncle, “Chachu chachu can you ask him why he made your Toomba cry. No, I don’t want to ask my mother anything. 

often she asks, “why”. I was always there for you but you knowingly abandoned me. 

There is always a fight in the heart and brain. There are too many questions which I doubt will ever be answered. 

People say, “Be brave, forget him. you have a long life to go”

However, she thinks, “I have many wounds which were never healed. My rest of the life will pass taking care of those wounds”.

She looks at her fingers which often get numb. She doesn’t feel sensation in her fingers due to cervical spine injury. The doctor asks her, “How much do you hurt?”. she looks at him, “I don’t feel any pain at all”. The doctor recommends surgery to relieve the pressure from the nerves. She asks the doctor, “why surgery? I don’t feel pain”.  He is surprised why you don’t feel pain. She just smiles but thinks in her mind, “my psychological pain has suppressed my physical pains”.  She makes fun out of this, “Everything is injured including my body and mind”.  

It is a very scary moment when you don’t remember where are you standing now? should I make a right or left turn if I come out of this room? why I am here and how I have reached here?  What was the name of the TV show and what it was about which I was watching yesterday? Why I am not forgetting which I should forget to protect myself.

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