Today’s Journal

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She has parked her car in the driveway around 4 pm. She does not want to get out of her car. She waits at least 5 minutes sitting in the car. She wants to leave before somebody sees her. However, she is a little late to make her decision about leaving. Two young children open the main door. They start shouting, “Aunt is here. Aunt is here”. She hugs both children tightly and gives them lots of kisses. 

She is still outside with the children in their driveway. The grandfather of children comes out and invite her inside, “Come on inside. Your cousin is taking a shower now. Come inside and have some tea”. She politely refuses to go inside. She tells her uncle, “I just came back from Wisconsin. I need to go home. I just came to drop children’s Christmas gift”. She is trying to avoid her cousin. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her cousin for the past one year. However, she is very close to her cousin’s 5 years old boy and 4 years old girl. 

Her relationship with her cousin has strained. Her cousin thinks, “Loving a Muslim man has brought an insult to her family”. He is not worth it”.

She has not spoken to her cousin for the past one year. She also did not celebrate any holidays last year. However, she decides to buy some gifts for the children this time. She asks her nephew and niece, “keep it under the tree and open it on X-mas day”.

Both children have nodded their head in a yes form. She smiles and hugs them again. Her cousin comes out, “it means you have decided not to celebrate any holidays or festival this year again”. Her cousin continues to say, “I can’t believe it. It is a year now. Look at yourself what have you done to yourself”. 

She does not have an answer to her cousin’s questions. She does not owe anybody answers or any forgiveness. She remembers what he told her last time, “why you will ask for sorry from her? you don’t owe her anything”. She still remembers his exact words which he said when visited him last time. Her cousin continues talking to her but she was somewhere else, “Oh, god, why I am still keeping his word? He does not remember my name anymore. Why I don’t forget whatever he talked with me? I have forgotten everything but why his conversation is still so fresh in my mind. I want to forget about him”.

She wakes from her thoughts when her nephew asked her, “where is doctor’s stuff?”. He has opened her purse and tries to find her otoscope and stethoscope. She tells the little boy, “Oh, I have left my doctor’s stuff at work”. She lies to the boy. She could not tell him, “I am on long vacation”.

She feels it that her tears will shed out of her eyes if she stands here more. She doesn’t want anybody to see her tears anymore. she does not need anybody’s mercy. She manages to keep her tears inside of her eyes. Her voice is also ready to cry. she has left the driveway without saying a single word,

She has reached her home after 45 minutes. She has kept her children’s gifts under the X-mas tree. She smiles from outside but she doesn’t know what is happening inside of her. Both children come downstairs. They hug her. Her daughter says, “My lady, don’t go anymore. we won’t disturb you. we have rearranged your bedroom so you won’t have any problem”. She said sadly, “I will try my best but no promise though”.

She sits quietly on the recliner and leaves her window open. The temperature is only 7 degrees. However, she doesn’t feel cold at all. Her brain is too busy thinking. There is almost fight between her brain and heart. She thinks, “I need a break. My brain needs a rest. It seems my brain is overheated”

She tells herself, ” I have made choices so I need to live with this”.

2 thoughts on “Today’s Journal

  1. 🙂 Family is rough on everyone, especially at the holidays!! You took a trip to a neat place. You purchased and delivered gifts — which is better than me at this point!! Hang in there. There is still joy to come.

    Liked by 1 person

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